Sometimes your girl isn’t as into sports as you’d
like. And sometimes you’re not as into your girlfriend as
you’d like. You’ve tried romantic comedies, bowling,
fancy dinners and lots of alcohol, but nothing has really clicked.
Well my unrequited Romeo, have you ever tried sports?
Instead of popping in that “Friends” DVD and
pretending to think Ross is funny, try watching a ballgame. The
predictability of certain events ““ Shawn Green hitting into a
double play, Shaq clanking free throws, Keira Goerl throwing
no-hitters ““ gives you an excellent opportunity to impress
your girlfriend with your awe-inspiring ESP.
“Watch the Spurs blow another fourth-quarter lead, I
guarantee it’ll happen.”
“Wow, you’re so right. (Sigh) You know everything
don’t you?”
Then stare deeply into her eyes with a penetrating gaze and say
“I predict we’ll be together forever.”
Oh man, that’ll work for sure.
But even better than watching sports is going out and getting
physical.
Still, you must choose wisely. Some sports clearly have more sex
appeal than others.
Golf is a popular choice … if you’re 50. But the proper
attire, especially for females, is just not quite kicking.
Additionally, girls don’t appreciate it when you make the
obligatory joke about your “length” off the tee. Pure
cheese.
When you’re with your buddies, golf is all about getting
tanked by the seventh hole and then driving your golf cart around
like a maniac. Just doesn’t work for dates.
Tennis, on the other hand, is great, especially with the right
gear, such as a nice little mini-skirt, or maybe one of
Serena’s ultra-tight catsuits. Meow!
As she serves, tell her that she’s aced her way into your
heart. That is so sweet.
America’s pastime, however, is a terrible option for many
reasons. Most girls look borderline epileptic when they try to
throw a baseball, and they get downright fussy if you strike them
out. Baseball gear is also a turn-off: you don’t want your
girl looking like David Wells.
Slow-pitch softball is slightly better, but again, the uniforms
are distinctly lacking. This is supposed to be a romantic outing,
remember?
Sorry, but Jennie Finch is the only person that could ever do
justice to a softball uniform.
Football stinks as a date sport. Outside of practicing
“tackling” drills, there isn’t much room for
creativity here. Comments about what a great tight-end she’d
make are usually met with disdain.
Basketball is solid, especially if your girlfriend likes to post
up. There’s a lot of grinding, a lot of dribbling and a lot
of sweat. Plus, as you get better at defending the paint,
you’ll actually improve your freak-dancing moves.
Soccer is a good one. Praise be to the sports bra! I have no
idea when wearing your underwear to work out became acceptable, but
it sure is grand. Make sure your girl scores a goal, and enjoy as
she pulls a Brandi Chastain. Wonderful stuff.
If for some reason the shirt doesn’t come flying off,
chastise your date for her blatantly anti-American attitude, and
remind her that the 1999 Women’s World Cup team was the
greatest national achievement in sports ever.
Gymnastics certainly has the uniform: the leotard surpasses even
the sports bra on the “They’re wearing what?!”
scale.
The flexibility required to do the splits can surely come in
handy, but let’s face facts. Without Matrix-style special
effects, neither one of you can hope to do a backflip. And stay far
away from the pommel horse: you’ll probably just fall the
wrong way and end up too sore for other strenuous activity.
That kind of injury will affect your ability to play the best
sport of all.
My last column ever. Naw, I’m just kidding. Maybe. E-mail
Colin at cyuhl@media.ucla.edu.