Filtered Incubus signed on at 7:43:21 PM.
God: Sup?
Filtered Incubus: You’re not showing up on my buddy
list.
God: I’m hiding from someone.
Filtered Incubus: Who?
God: It’s Scott Stapp again, he won’t leave me alone
and it’s getting irritating.
Filtered Incubus: Billions of people talk to you every day.
He’s just one guy.
God: Ha! Just one guy, huh? Do you want to see the nonsense I
put up with?
God: StApP 0F nAzArEtH: So fly around like you are
Superman/given another chance/a different way to dance with true
romance.
Filtered Incubus: ???
God: StApP 0F nAzArEtH: You set me free! To live my life! You
became my reason to survive the great divide! I’ve cried out,
“God give me answers!” You kept giving unselfishly,
kept me from falling everywhere but my knees!
Filtered Incubus: Oh my.
God: It’s great when people appreciate the things I do,
but I’m not down with this guy.
Filtered Incubus: He seems devout. What’s wrong with
that?
God: Aside from being irritating, he has three strikes against
him.
Filtered Incubus: Such as …
God: First, he and his buddies bad-mouthed Pearl Jam. I’m
not placing one band over another though; this is deeper. Mr.
Stapp’s music is completely influenced by that band, all the
way down to his singing voice. And I was OK with that when Scott
Weiland did it in 1992.
Filtered Incubus: Why not Stapp?
God: On this new album he talks about accepting who he is, but
is still hypocritical. All he has to say is, “Yes, I am
influenced by Eddie Vedder’s singing.” The fact that
he’s callously denying his influences shows an astonishing
level of arrogance.
Filtered Incubus: Fair enough … what else?
God: His Christ complex.
Filtered Incubus: Yeah, I remember you telling me about the
video for “Higher.”
God: And how he wanted re-shoots to add more Christ-like poses?
I almost tossed a lightning bolt at him, but figured the time
wasn’t right to bring back fire and brimstone.
Filtered Incubus: Why does the Christ complex bother you?
God: If he were the son of God, I would’ve told him, but
he acts like he is anyway. Since he left Creed it’s gotten
worse. Now his songs aren’t subtle and he routinely calls out
to me.
Filtered Incubus: What’s his third strike?
God: Singing “The Star-Spangled Banner” before Game
4 of the 2004 World Series.
Filtered Incubus: Oh wow, I remember that.
God: I was so distracted by him sounding like a mix of drunken
Elvis and a wounded game animal that I almost lost my concentration
on making the Red Sox win.
God: Oh bother. He’s found me.
Filtered Incubus: Can’t you hide on another screen name?
Yahweh? Allah? Vishnu?
God: No … that mischievous curmudgeon Lucifer declared himself
a “hAx0R” and ratcheted their warning levels up to 100
percent.
Filtered Incubus: Well uh …good luck I guess.
God: StApP 0F nAzArEtH: I will make a music video sequel to
“With Arms Wide Open” where I pour alcohol all over my
body and dive into a pool of lamb’s blood to symbolize my
descent into sin and glorious rebirth on my new album, “The
Great Divide,” currently $9.97 at Best Buy!
God: Ugh.
Filtered Incubus: I feel you.
God: Oh, also, be mindful of homeless people asking for change
around ExpressMart. I may appear as one and test your
compassion.
Filtered Incubus: You care about me that much?
God: Um, well, yes, but … this excursion is more because I
just can’t get enough of those Brown Bag refrigerated
sandwiches.
Filtered Incubus: Oh. Well uh …thanks for the heads-up.
Toodles.
Filtered Incubus signed off at 8:18:12 PM.
If you think you’ve accidentally slighted The Man
Upstairs while at ExpressMart, e-mail Humphrey at
mhumphrey@media.ucla.edu, because he thinks he failed his test,
too.