I will not rest until UCLA is the best in the country.
It’s four days late for basketball, as we lost the
national championship game, and my messages to the NCAA demanding a
“do-over” have, as of this writing, remained
unanswered.
But at least we can fall back on academics … or so I thought.
I went looking for validation of our worth as a school, expressed
by the sight of UCLA at the top of some list, any list.
The most esteemed list is the U.S. News & World
Report’s, and in their giant book of rankings, I was shocked
to see that UCLA was ranked 25th, and for public schools, we are
tied with the University of Michigan for third-best.
Third? I’m embarrassed to be a Bruin. It is unacceptable
that there are two public schools ranked higher. We must do
something about it.
UC Berkeley and the University of Virginia are better than we
are and I can hardly look at my fellow Bruins because I’m so
wracked with shame.
It’s hard to think that all this time I thought I was
getting a great education, but instead we’re like that bronze
medalist that no one’s heard of. The administration and
faculty must make this a priority for next year’s
rankings.
Some say, “Third-best in the country is still very
good,” or “UCLA is a world-class institution whether
it’s first or 50th.” But I’m tired of
rationalizations. The basketball game was painful, but the rankings
cement it: We’re subpar.
If Los Angeles has taught me anything, it’s that
third-best simply doesn’t cut it; it’s the second loser
as far as I’m concerned. We can ““ we must ““ rein
in first, and I suggest that UCLA change things. If the
administration takes the following steps, I believe we can save
ourselves from this cruel fate.
1. Summarily expel all students with GPAs in the bottom 15
percent. This would lower our student-faculty ratio from 18:1 to a
more respectable, Berkeley-like 15:1. It would have an obviously
beneficial effect on our mean academic standing and would put the
fear of God into those with low GPAs. Champions aren’t
allowed to fail; they’re too terrified for their futures.
2. Place all professors on the chopping block. The
publish-or-perish mentality will be heightened to a previously
unimaginable level: If professors do not publish an important paper
every two months, they will be publicly fired. There is currently
too much emphasis on teaching and not enough on prestige and
reputation. I want to constantly hear about UCLA professors
breaking ground in their respective areas of study, so the general
public knows exactly how elite we really are.
3. Cut in half the duration and size of every class. The teacher
will have half the time to teach half the class (about 25 minutes),
then the other half will come in and the teacher will repeat this
process.
This step will benefit UCLA most of all, as it will cut class
size in half, implying (on paper) an intimate classroom experience.
Also, because of the time restrictions, the teacher will only be
able to talk about what will be on the tests, which will lead to
better grades overall, as the students won’t be bogged down
with superfluous details. I can’t even calculate how many
hours I’ve wasted studying concepts that weren’t on
tests, and that precious time will be saved if the teachers simply
offer the highlights.
By following these simple steps, UCLA will almost assuredly rise
to its rightful title as the best. We deserve to get the most out
of what higher education is truly about.
If you aspire to be an elitist, e-mail O’Bryan at
jobryan@media.ucla.edu.