Big game is all in the palm of the beholder

Desperate times call for desperate measures, sports fans. The
last time we beat ‘SC, my voice was deepening and I was
sprouting hair in strange places. Maybe it was only five years
ago, but I was a late bloomer. 

I desperately needed to know if this is the year of the Bruin or
the year of the skirt-wearing man condom. Powder blue and heavenly
gold or pee yellow and pimple red?

I went straight to the source of truth and wisdom to discover if
UCLA would be victorious this Saturday. I visited Olga, a real-life
Miss Cleo, in a small shop on Gayley Avenue.

Before we started, I asked Olga if I could tape record the
reading for the sake of journalism.

“You can, but it will throw off the vibrations,”
Olga responded. “You might not get the right answers if the
vibrations are disturbed.”

Never mind that a television blared Monday Night Football, at a
volume generally reserved for rock concerts and race tracks in a
room 10 feet away. Forget that the neon lights were buzzing like a
bug lamp, including the occasional zapping sounds that occur when a
mosquito or a moth gets too curious. I kept my mouth shut and
put my tape recorder away.

Olga began by examining my palm and telling me some important
personal information, including that I would marry between the ages
of 26 and 27. “How old are you now?” she asked.

“You’re the psychic,” I thought to myself.
“You tell me.”Â 

After my personal reading was concluded, I learned that my aura
was off balance. Olga said I was about 60 percent positive energy
and 40 percent negative energy. Then I cut to the chase: “How
will UCLA do in the football game this Saturday?” I
asked.

After a close inspection of my palm (what it could possibly say
about UCLA football, I don’t know), Olga gave me
disconcerting news.

As long as you balance your aura and concentrate on the game,
UCLA will win big, she said.

No pressure or anything. I don’t even know what that
means. Do I have to “balance” it to a 50-50 ratio, or
make it 100 percent positive energy? If I make it 100 percent
positive, it wouldn’t be very well balanced.

She went on to tell me there are only three UCLA players who are
not focused on the game, and they are going to have to put the
girls, the friends and everything else aside and focus their energy
in a positive direction.

Then I got down to the Xs and Os.

“Do you think coach Karl Dorrell should use Tyler Ebell
primarily outside the tackles, or can he be an effective interior
runner as well?”

“As long as he focuses his energy in a positive direction,
he should be fine,” Olga said. “But probably better to
use him outside the tackles.”

“How will our special teams hold up this game?” I
wondered.

“As long as they focus their energy in a positive
direction, they should be fine.”

“Which players should we pay special attention to on
Saturday?” I asked.

To this Olga responded, “Who are they playing
again?”

“USC.”

Again, you’d think a psychic would know these things.

Olga furrowed her brow and really focused on my palm lines,
finally saying that she saw two numbers. The first one was
definitely 54, she said. The second one was indiscernible, but it
was definitely lower than 54.

I didn’t have too many other questions to ask Olga, so I
said thank you and got ready to leave.

“Thank you, that will be $35. All tips are
appreciated,” she replied.

I guess I had to be a psychic to know that the sign on the door
advertising $5 palm readings would be severely inflated.

Excited to have a juicy tidbit of otherworldly scouting
brilliance, I rushed home to look up USC’s roster. Guess who
wears number 54? 

Nobody.

If you are a dark-haired girl with the initials “A.
L.,” Olga says we may have a relationship. Sorry. E-mail
Karon at ekaron@media.ucla.edu.

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