I’ve been a Dodger fan my entire life. As a true fan, I
try to remain positive through the good times and the bad.
But now, things are just getting ridiculous. At this point,
I’m angrier at the organization than I have ever been.
If I gathered up nine random people off the street, they would
probably have a better shot than the Dodgers at putting runs on the
board.
Watching their hapless offense on television is bad enough, but
attending games in person is absolute torture.
That is, if you only pay attention to the game. Dodger games can
still provide a plethora of entertainment, even if the happenings
on the playing field are less than spectacular. And by “less
than spectacular” I mean “awful.”
You see, Dodger fans aren’t the most intelligent folk, and
my trip to the ballpark on July 3 proved this beautifully.
The Dodgers were taking on the lowly San Diego Padres, trying to
avoid a sweep and break a five-game skid in the process, in the
final game of a three-game series. Dodger ace Kevin Brown was on
the mound, and it was Rally Towel night.
As all the pieces were in place for a Dodger win, I entered the
ballpark with a great feeling of optimism. I was handed my free
rally towel, which smelled funny, and took my seat behind the first
base dugout on the field level.
We’re not season-ticket holders, but these were
season-ticket seats. They were a gift from our neighbor, a UCLA
grad who obviously used his supreme intelligence to realize just
how pathetic the game would be.
Anyway, it is usually the case that fans in the season-ticket
seats know baseball. They watch the game, make witty comments
concerning the Dodgers’ hitting woes, and actually care what
happens.
Notice that I say “usually.”
Thursday night was simply unbelievable.
It started with the girls sitting in front of us. When they came
down the aisle they trotted merrily to their seats, giggling all
the way.
These girls were the type of people that I really dislike. You
know the type, the very average-looking girls who think they look
like Adriana Lima.
Because they think they look like supermodels, they feel that
they need the attention of everyone surrounding them.
When they were finally seated, the more annoying of the two
pulled a magazine from her bag.
First of all, don’t bring a magazine to a Dodger game.
Then I saw the magazine. It was Playboy.
And while Playboy is indeed a fine magazine, the fact that these
two girls had it was just wrong on so many levels.
At one point during the game one of them got on a cell phone,
stood up right in front of my mom, and looked up to the level above
us. One of their friends was on a cell phone, standing up, waving
down to them.
Isn’t that cute?
It actually wasn’t cute, and it served no purpose but to
enrage the surrounding fans, and probably the fans surrounding the
friend up above. My mom finally told them to sit down.
The second problem was the guy sitting next to me, another type
of person you love to hate.
He was that well-meaning guy who is just so loud and entirely
unknowledgeable.
During the first inning, a fan near us got smacked with a
line-drive foul ball. He crumbled to the ground and was forced to
leave.
Regrettable, certainly, but the guy next to me proceeded to say,
“be ready for a foul ball” on every pitch to a
right-handed batter.
Needless to say, it got old in a hurry.
The guy talked the whole game, consistently called the umpire
the referee, and just generally annoyed me. I wanted to smack
him.
And then there were all the little kids around us. I love little
kids, and I think it’s great when I see them at Dodger games,
but somebody needed to tell these kids that the wave does not start
in the field level seats behind first base.
Ah yes, the wave, that amazing stadium creation that can get
tens of thousands of fans to stand up for no apparent reason.
Well, I’ve done studies on this, and the wave always
originates in the right-field pavilion. This is because you can get
everyone in the pavilion to participate ““ they’re so
far away they don’t care about the game ““ and the rest
of the stadium can see it coming. Trying it from the field level
behind first just doesn’t work.
But the kids obviously hadn’t read my published papers
detailing my studies. And with the clueless man next to me as their
ringleader, they must’ve tried at least 30 times to get the
wave going.
It didn’t work.
The funniest moment from the crowd came from the drunk people
sitting behind me.
A man, whose credibility increased tenfold because he was
wearing a drink holder on his head, saw a woman a few rows down
spill her beer.
“She spilled her beer,” he said. “Beer costs
$7,” he continued with his drunk reasoning abilities.
“Why doesn’t she just take out $7 and burn it with a
lighter?”
Simply brilliant.
When all was said and done, the Padres swept the Dodgers, losing
7-4. Kevin Brown left the game with an injury, the offense
continued to sputter, and the Dodgers fell into third place in the
NL West.
But thanks to the stupid people surrounding me, I had fun.
Regan still thinks that Shawn Green will return to his old
self and the Dodgers can win the NL West. Yeah, and Steve Lavin was
a good coach. E-mail Regan at dregan@media.ucla.edu.