This post was updated June 11 at 7:58 a.m.
I was not supposed to be here.
Or at least that was what it felt like all those years ago.
As distant of a memory he may be, high school senior Ryan was in the midst of accepting his fate at a different university before UCLA moved him off the waitlist. And he almost did not make the switch. For he had already learned every dining hall, every dormitory, every little factoid that he needed to convince himself that he belonged where the admission gods had deemed worthy for his labors. Accepting the alternate offer now would have been the admission that he was only good enough once others had said no. Accepting would have been the abandonment of all the promises that he made, with all the friends he had, who were all going to be miles away now. And by accepting, he would need to be all right with all the what-ifs that would pervade his thoughts for the rest of his life. Even after the first year, he was not sure if he made the right choice.
Freshman year, Hedrick 6N. To his left were amazing artists and Regent scholars with GPAs to kill for. To his right were national club presidents and valedictorians who had turned down much more prestigious institutions due to circumstantial obligations. And later that quarter, he was going to fail calculus. He was not supposed to be there.
He had intended to join the Daily Bruin around this time too. Impressed by the large summer issue given out at orientation, first-year Ryan wanted to be a part of something bigger than himself. But the questions were many and his qualifications were lacking. Unsure of his own worth, he closed his computer and hoped he would eventually grow into a person good enough for someone, and try again someday. There was always a next quarter, a next year, a next time for him to finally take hold of what he wanted in life.
There were still three more years to go, right?
It is now fall quarter of his third year. He had put off the last two years to figuratively find himself amid the lingering thought that he will never be able to. The quarters of procrastination and inactivity had created a sense of acceptance and compliance with the routine of college life. But he would eventually think back to his second-year roommate’s indomitable spirit and confidence that drove him to do more every day. For that, I would like to thank Mustafa Hafezzada for always pushing me to be better. It finally led me back to finishing that application, in which I found myself doing more than I had ever expected.
To my internal tools team – us remaining stragglers – thanks for trusting me with such an immense task. I will always be grateful for the opportunity. Thank you Dustin Newman for being the rock of the department, Neil Prajapati for stepping up to the mantle and Leo Siow for starting the whole mess that got me here today.
To my Graphics family – our small but hardy group of chart-drawing, hummus-consuming human beings that made the Daily Bruin hospitable among the towers of Panda Express boxes and perpetual ceiling leaks. Thank you Pauline Ordonez for being our group’s dad this year, Mavis Zeng for humoring me all this time and Bella Clark for starting me in the right direction. Bebas Neue, forever.
To all the friends and acquaintances that I’ve met on the way, know that my heart is full, and you have changed me for the better.
And to all graduating seniors, or anyone unsure of where they are going, always know that you are exactly where you need to be.
Kuang was a Graphics contributor 2017-2019 and Online contributor 2018-2019.