I was with my last boyfriend for seven years.
The word “last” is in fact misleading – “only” is more accurate. We were together from the awkward and gangly days of 13 to the scary world of impending adulthood at 20.
We did not so much grow up as grow in – identities tend to fuse a little when you become an adult at someone’s side.
A few months ago, that relationship ended. I felt a sense of loss, of course, but also a sense of liberation. I am now steadily growing up instead of in.
After all, being lonely isn’t so bad when you’re also having fun. And when everyone you know is also single, that’s not a hard thing to do.
Recent observations of my close circle of friends has left me wondering if everyone was always this uninterested in finding a long-term partner.
The cultural consensus seems to be no – the landscape of college dating has changed, and this reluctance to commit is specific to more recent generations of college students.
But that’s not such a bad thing.
As multitudes of articles and a general popular understanding among college students have it, being single in college is increasingly typical while traditional dates and long-term committed relationships seem to be falling by the wayside.
“Dating in college has become so casual, I’m not really sure I’d even call it dating,” said Jessica Carbino, a graduate student in sociology at UCLA who studies online dating and hosts the UCLA Radio program “Hookup with Dr. Jess.”
“[People] have other goals they want to achieve. … They don’t want to be tied down,” she added.
This phenomenon of “casual” flings has its downsides – texts asking to “hang out” on a Thursday night do not have the same romantic appeal as a phone call asking you on a formal dinner date.
But there is something to be said for the growing sense of independence among young men and women that’s leading them to invest less in finding a long-term partner and more in developing themselves.
In my own experience, being boyfriend-less has created a renewed dedication to the work I’m doing at UCLA, at the Daily Bruin and elsewhere. It’s meant that I’ve started sitting down at night and, instead of thinking about my obligations to someone else, focusing on my obligations to myself.
That’s not to say that people in relationships can’t or aren’t focusing on themselves – but the forced solitude of the single life gives you the opportunity to reflect on your own identity and self-development in ways that may not feel as necessary or compelling in a relationship.
This is a natural result of being jolted out of comfort and complacency. My Friday night plans aren’t already mapped out every week, and I’m not envisioning my future as part of a pair. I’m wading in more uncertain waters, and despite the occasional discomfort, I feel more awake and open to new experiences than I have in a long time.
There are, of course, issues with the extremely casual nature of most people’s college dating experiences. Committed relationships are a cornerstone of many people’s happiness and growth, and neglecting them entirely is both unhealthy and unwise.
And the “hookup culture” that has resulted from the increased emphasis on casual sexual encounters and lack of general interest in commitment that young people are finding in their peers has led to new issues not seen in the past.
“I think it’s potentially problematic for people not to look at college as an opportunity to date because they’re putting it off until later in their lives and then they might not know how to deal with a person romantically,” Carbino said.
College dating culture has been described as “broken,” but it might better be described as “bent.” I’m not ready to discount the benefits of the complicated place we find ourselves in, where young people are suddenly thinking more and more about who they are as individuals and less about how they can shape themselves around someone else.
For all the confusion it may create on the college dating scene, the strengthened sense of self has value for all of us, whether we’re looking for love or not.