Submission: Student embraces fear to overcome challenges

I came to a roadblock after five great years here at UCLA.

I met many people – few of them were real and kept it real. I studied abroad thrice, produced tangible changes on this campus and developed in ways that were unbeknownst to any wayward kid from Richmond, Calif.

I did phenomenal work and even though people doubted me, I am not upset because I also psyched myself out when I should not have.
We truly are cruel to ourselves and we need more self-love, myself included.

In fact, I had to take a tai chi class to snap out of my self-destructive fears. Dance 10 with Jason Tsou and Arthur Schoenfeld was the bane of my existence, a thorn in my toe that was wedged deep and I could not get rid of. This was the last class required for me to graduate and I thought it would be easy but that changed after three weeks.

As much as I wanted to, I could not escape this class or my frustrations with not being able to memorize the tai chi movements and principles to perform efficiently, get an A grade in tai chi and graduate on time.

I tried to come up with excuses that held me back from truly understanding what this art/dance form was teaching me and, while I initially tried to run away from my fears, I realized that I had to tackle them directly.

Recently, I took my tai chi final and I was sweating raindrops trying to figure out which move came after the next. I had to take many deep breaths, focused and with the help of my instructors and peers cheering me on, I got through it. I cried afterward because I was frustrated with how I did not do my best this quarter – my last quarter. I was upset with not fully engaging with one of my last classes in my department – World Arts and Cultures/Dance – and an important one at that because it is the only class I need to graduate.

And when I thought a “simple” two-unit, dance requirement was in my way of graduating, I had an epiphany. I snapped into another realm of consciousness.

This whole time I was driving myself insane because I did not want to work through repressed pains associated with being a vilified Black/Afrikan gay male, in America, and I got to the end of my journey, and realized I was no longer strong enough to harbor these emotions of fear and needed to make a change for the better. Life is going to be hard for me and I needed this class to reassure this idea; not to scare me but to toughen my spirits and give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

The answer was right in my face this whole time.

Tai chi taught me how to circulate air through my body, find my center, and divert and direct energy. I had learned these practices through other outlets, but was astounded to find that this class enlightened me in nuanced ways.

I imagine this feeling being similar to untying a bow on a beautifully wrapped present to get to the wonders inside. This time, instead of ripping through the gift-wrapping, I want to take my time and bask.

We have to step out of our comfort zone in order to recognize and embrace a new perspective – I am acknowledging this now.

Fear is an incredible energy supply, especially when you are overwhelmed with life’s obstacles. When applied correctly, the energy from your fear can be utilized to produce meaningful changes for you. Ultimately, we need to aspire to reach a place of paradise where we can confront our fears, acknowledge its existence and find a time to move on from them or make them work to our benefit.

Fear drove me to apply to graduate school and fear is getting me out of this university. I am entering the world afraid and I am not ashamed of it either.

Smith is a graduating fifth-year world arts and cultures student.