Figuring out what to dress up as for Halloween is a conundrum for the slothful and the lazy.
Those two words embody my personality, and anytime I have to lift myself up and use my brain to conjure up a costume around Halloween time, I either reach for a sandwich or drift off into a snooze or a combination of both.
Pretending as if I had money in my bank account, I decided to check out the convenient pre-made costumes that come in plastic bags at the nearby Aahs! Gift Store and the Spirit Halloween Store in Westwood. And as a warning to the two readers of this column out there, the following account of my Halloween excursion will use the word “sexy” ad nauseam.
As I perused the costumes at both stores, I saw every variation of the sexy costume ““ from the typical, such as the sexy school girl, to the utterly unfathomable, such as the sexy tater tot. There were costumes that no one would ever describe as sexy, such as the murderous Chucky doll, the hirsute Chewbacca from “Star Wars” and a straitjacket. I did not know the asylum could be such a tease. When I saw costumes such as a sexy Elmo and a sexy Nemo of “Finding Nemo,” my mind was simultaneously laughing and crying for the loss of my childhood.
Jack Singh, general manager of Aahs! Gift Store, said that the most popular sexy costumes every year are the gypsy and the sailor and predicted that the sexy “Avatar” costume would be a hit this year. Little did James Cameron know that his blue-skinned characters would open up the gates of a Na’vi sexy Halloween costume market that no one could have predicted.
And I don’t know what took so long, but Victoria’s Secret unveiled a collection of sexy costumes titled “Sexy Little Fantasies,” ranging from the overwrought sexy kitty to the sexy nurse. And with that, I say that the sexy Halloween costume life cycle is complete.
When did the holiday celebrating the wonders of the miniature Snickers bar turn into one where one can wear a sexy Snickers bar costume? I don’t even know, because many of the suggestive costumes I saw were packaged for the tween set, ages 9 and up. I blame Miley Cyrus.
But, realistically speaking, Halloween is the only holiday of the year when it is completely normal to wear as few clothes as possible. As Lindsay Lohan’s character so expertly said in the 2004 film, “Mean Girls,” “Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut, and no other girls can say anything about it.”
The wise Lohan has a point. There are few times in the year that the sight of someone dressed as a sexy bumblebee teetering around frat row looking for a lost cell phone in the bushes can be normal. Same goes for a sexy maid frantically looking for her lost feather duster at the apartment parties. Although I’m sure these antics would happen on most Thursday nights.
As for finding a costume, I don’t know what to do in the age of dressing as the sexy yeti.
With my bank account drained from paying for school, I didn’t have $70 to pay for a Lady Gaga costume, which I believe would not fall into the sexy costume genre and more into the inanely dressed pop star costume genre. I guess I’ll be cutting up three holes in my sheets and going as an economically-efficient ghost.
Although I wonder if it would be redundant to dress as a sexy stripper for Halloween.
If you actually like to wear sexy costumes on Halloween, e-mail Jue at tjue@media.ucla.edu.
“Fashion or Whatever” runs every Wednesday.