The hottest thing on television right now is taking place atop snow and ice in Canada, and no, it’s not “Degrassi” or “Talk Sex with Sue Johansson,” although both are equally hot enough to prove Al Gore right. I’m referring, of course, to the Winter Olympic Games.
This celebration of obscure sports, scenic wintry vistas and Bob Costas is exciting in its rarity (it only comes along once every four years) and in its excuse for unabashed USA chants. Nothing makes me prouder to be an American than a good USA chant, especially when it takes place on the soil of our suspiciously friendly neighbors to the north.
The drama of sports also makes for good television. Watching Michael Phelps win the 100-meter butterfly during the 2008 Summer Olympics was one of the most memorable and exciting events of that year. And while the Winter Olympics don’t carry the ancient Greek gravitas of the Summer Games, watching them on TV is still a decent ““ and patriotic ““ way to pass some time.
There are certain characteristics that distinguish each sport from one another, just like any television show, and many of the events have characteristics that are similar to existing TV shows. If you’re not really into sports but love television and America, give the following events a try:
If you’re a fan of “Lost,” you’ll probably like watching the snowboard half-pipe competition. “Lost” is famous for its crazy, unforeseen plot twists that border on ridiculousness.
Like “Lost,” the half-pipe competition is built on tricks and who can outdo each other with the wildest, inhuman stunts. It may help bolster your patriotism for a sport you typically wouldn’t care about if you refer to non-Americans as “The Others.”
Figure skating is definitely the “American Idol” of the Winter Games. It would be ignorant to consider the figure skating competition simply a flashy popularity contest, because if you’ve seen any Disney Channel Original Movie about the subject (there are way more than one), you know that triple salchows are nothing to scoff at.
The aesthetics of speed skating, and short-track speed skating in particular, are most like those of “Dexter,” a Showtime drama about a serial killer. The deathly sharp blades of the skates could be assault weapons, and when I look deeply into Apolo Anton Ohno’s eyes, not only do I see a sexually appealing passion, but fiery, ice-melting rage.
Also, during the Olympic trials, now-bronze medalist J.R. Celski crashed into the sideboards of the rink and sliced his leg with his own skate. He Dexter’d himself, and that was on accident. Imagine what exciting acts of violence could ensue on purpose.
The most bewildering of all the Winter Olympic sports is curling, and the most bewildering (and boring and terrible) of all of television is MTV’s “My Life As Liz.” Who watches curling? People who are really, really bored. Who watches “My Life As Liz”? People who are really, really bored. Seriously, what is the deal with “Liz”? Is she for real? Is curling for real? Can someone tell me what is going on?
The biathlon is “Man vs. Wild” with Bear Grylls for the sole reason that there are guns involved. Grylls doesn’t even use guns, but there is a level of badassness to the biathlon that Grylls would approve of. However, the biathlon would be better if the athletes had to prepare and eat the targets they shot.
It’s not the most popular event, but as the most majestic, ski jumping is the “Planet Earth” of the Olympics. The skiers soar o’er the powdery slopes of the man-made tundra in their goggles and spandex like the eagle, not only the mascot of this great nation, but a noble creature of the animal kingdom.
The magical powers of life and gravity and slo-mo video editing effects are made evident in both “Planet Earth” and ski jumping, but if you choose to watch the latter, you’ll be spared from seeing alligators eat gristly meals.
Lastly, women’s ice hockey is no doubt the most like “Bad Girl’s Club.” On this Oxygen Network show, the “troubled” women get into vicious fist and hair fights, and I’m pretty sure Florina bodychecked at least half the girls in the house.
Not that this doesn’t take a certain level of skill, but it is lacking in the good sportswomanship that the Olympics loves to tout. I commend members of the women’s ice hockey teams for cordially shaking one other’s hands after a match, rather than throwing water balloons at the opposing team’s bus as it pulls out of the parking lot.
“Tuned In” runs every other Thursday.
E-mail McReynolds at dmcreynolds@media.ucla.edu