At various moments throughout the past weekend, I ran, swam, jumped, rode my bike, played basketball and pranced around in a leotard waving a long ribbon. And I didn’t think twice about any of it.
In short, over the span of a few days, I conducted my own personal Summer Olympics (alright, so maybe I really didn’t find the time to practice my rhythmic gymnastics routine, but still). Point being, most of the events involved in the Summer Games are activities we engage in on a daily basis. Conversely, we have almost no relationship with many of the sports that make up the Winter Olympics.
Therefore, in an effort to curb the hostility among my colleagues toward the Winter Games, I propose a number of solutions to help integrate the winter sports into our lives here at UCLA, and thus make them more appealing to everyone.
Proposal one: Cover Bruin Walk in slick, icy snow and turn it into a snowboardcross course. Snowboardcross, the most exciting sport on snow, will make getting to class a rollicking adventure. Every man for himself, and no qualms about sleeping in if you can turn in a fast time on your way to class. Flyer-passer-outers, beware! (Oops, Lindsey Jacobellis just missed another final.)
Proposal two: While we’re in the process of installing snow machines on campus, let’s pack Janss Steps with some fresh powder, and voila: the world’s coolest freestyle skiing course. Nothing says moguls like an 87-stair romp down to Wilson Plaza.
Proposal three: Dance Marathon is all well and good, but how much more amazing would it be if it were done on a figure skating rink while wearing fur and sequins? Twenty-six consecutive hours of triple salchows, skate-grabbing and girl-tossing fun. Sign me up right now!
Proposal four: How many students show up to Pauley Pavilion for a basketball game, only to find that other students have bypassed class for a week to camp out and land the elite seats? Here’s the solution to that problem, one that’s based on merit and persistence. The perimeter of Pauley will be laid with ice, and upon arrival before a basketball game each student will be provided with a pair of short-track speed skates and a helmet. Ten cutthroat laps later, the order of finish determines the order of entrance into the arena.
Proposal five: The Winter Olympics do a great thing by combining the most physically grueling sport (cross-country skiing) with a tension-easing activity (shooting a .22 caliber rifle at a number of targets). This idea can easily be instituted at UCLA: Before each final exam, students will be handed a rifle of their own, and at certain points throughout the test, when we feel our worst, everyone could go outside and releases a few rounds at pre-established targets. TAs, your motivation for being nice to students just skyrocketed.
Proposal six: The press-box side of Drake Stadium is just begging for a ski-jumping slope that stretches from Charles E. Young Drive down to the soccer pitch. Pre-game soccer introductions would turn into a can’t-miss event, but the real coup here would be graduation: Move the ceremonies out of Pauley and into Drake, where proud parents can witness their children soar out of higher education and into the future.
Proposal seven: Construction projects have turned the Hill into a labyrinth of twists and turns. I have a soft spot in my heart for the poor folks located up in Hedrick Summit and the winding route they have to take to campus. Henceforth, every dorm room in Hedrick Court, Rieber Court, Hitch Suites and Saxon Suites should be equipped with a complementary two-man bobsled. The layout of De Neve Drive these days is tailor-made for just such a course.
When ““ not if ““ these proposals are implemented, they will quickly become second nature. The problems of a disconnect between UCLA students and the Winter Olympics will be eliminated. At the very least, perhaps everyone will achieve a greater appreciation for certain activities. Now that would be a miracle on ice.
If you have a perpetual itch for curling a heavy stone through Bruin Plaza, e-mail Eshoff at reshoff@media.ucla.edu.