I’ve decided to come clean. I’m a right-winger.
But fear not, I’m trying to get help. The other day, I was watching Keith Olbermann to shock my system out of this state. I guess my body wasn’t prepared for the change though, because I started retching uncontrollably. I’ve heard this tends to happen a lot when people with my affliction watch “Countdown.”
And while I may have never actually attended a tea party protest, I’d like to.
I spoke to a recent attendee, local blogger and economist Tom Phillips, about his experience at the Pasadena Tea Party rally.
“I don’t recall seeing any weapons but someone did have a sign that was critical of Obama. I think that’s illegal now,” Phillips said.
Phillips followed with a laugh, but he can’t pass off his delusions as a joke.
Recently, my fellow Bruin Republicans and I met on campus to listen to another tea partier, commentator Andrew Breitbart on April 15. That’s right, we’re meeting in groups now (Be afraid!).
Breitbart makes his living off of pointing out media malfeasance. So while we on the right think of him as a proven expert, you may dismiss him as a nut job without any substantiating.
In his speech, Breitbart juxtaposed his experience at the tea parties with that of CNN reporter Susan Roesgen. Roesgen verbally attacked two participants during her report. As an aspiring rehabilitee, I’m trying to see her justification. Breitbart isn’t so generous and is calling for Roesgen’s dismissal.
Breitbart feels her abandonment of objectivity is inappropriate for a journalist. But that’s just another meanie Republican for you.
Phillips added, “I’ve attended socialist rallies, and if the media is looking for real violent criminally minded people, they should attend those rallies where they talk about assassinations and bombings.”
But that just can’t be true. The Department of Homeland Security would have issued a warning like they did when the conservatives started acting up.
Specifically, the Department of Homeland Security published a memo called Rightwing Extremism: Current Economic and Political Climate Fueling Resurgence in Radicalization and Recruitment.
I’m worried about legal restrictions on firearms. The Department of Homeland Security report said that pro-Second Amendment opinions like mine “could lead to the potential emergence of terrorist groups or lone wolf extremists capable of carrying out violent attacks.”
I never knew I had it in me.
But I’m just a college girl. Extremists have their eyes set on more fearsome allies. It’s those veterans you really have to look out for.
The Department of Homeland Security said right-wing extremists “will attempt to recruit and radicalize returning veterans in order to boost their violent capabilities.”
Clearly they’re going to destroy the very nation they served. I mean, it’s practically inevitable.
I guess we all should have seen this coming, though. “Many right-wing extremists are antagonistic toward the new presidential administration and its perceived stance on a range of issues,” the memo read.
I can’t imagine America functioning with views different from those of the president. I guess I can’t blame the liberals for being worried. They were so reverent to the last president. I, for one, have never seen a man compared to Hitler quite so lovingly. There’s no way we can behave as well as they did during the Bush administration.
For example, after Obama was elected, my really crazy friends joked about buying more guns, in case of new restrictions. I don’t mean to alarm anyone but apparently, it is more than a joke. The memo warned of people “stockpiling” guns. You’d think they have some sort of constitutional right to do this.
Phillips said “People just have to see that (the memo) is politically charged.”
But what does he know? Just because he is a college-educated U.S. resident doesn’t mean he can run his mouth whenever he feels like criticizing the government. This is America for goodness’ sake.
Besides, he just might be one of us: “If speaking for liberty is being an extremist, then I guess I am an extremist,” he said.
Wanting to know what citizens can do to protect themselves against my dangerous friends, I called the Department of Homeland Security. They did not respond.
Clearly, the silent treatment is the best way to deal with Republicans. You can take that as my hint to shut up about your paranoia around me.
If you feel your love of liberty is a terrorist act waiting to happen, then e-mail Bowers at kbowers@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.