Golf is not a game for the faint of heart.
I figured that much out when I hit my very first drive. Only it wasn’t really a drive. More like a spectacular slice. I stepped up to the first tee at my tiny nine-hole course in desolate Hemet, took aim and with a mighty stroke rocketed the ball directly into the lake not 15 yards away. Not exactly a good start to the career.
“Son, you’ve just been introduced to the Salter Slice,” my dad chuckled.
Apparently that shot is so notorious within my bloodlines that my forefathers have branded it with a name. Confident and bursting with a “let’s-show-him-how-it’s-done” mentality, my father strolled up to the tee and deposited a splashdown shot not two yards from where mine went.
“This obviously runs in the family,” I mumbled, dodging a broken tee as my dad grumbled to himself.
Golf is at once beautiful and maddening. It is the rare game that simultaneously makes you feel like you’re a genius one moment and a dunce just seconds later. It breaks your heart and inflates your ego. Golf is the only sport that makes me want to give it up for good 50 percent of the time I’m playing. This usually occurs after I’ve launched a searing 7-iron approach directly into a pine tree.
“Look out for those trees,” my father inevitably laughed.
Golf, however, has a way of settling the score. When opponents scoff, the golf gods guide their shot into the rough. When you celebrate just a little too long, your next putts lip out. Egos are generally unwelcome on the links. Temper tantrums are equally forbidden, a rule I admit is often extremely hard to adhere by.
Golf courses, in fact, have a long list of accepted rules and proper etiquette. For instance, you never, ever walk in the line of someone else’s putt. Never cheat or move your ball unless you’re willing to take an extra stroke. Don’t lie on the scorecard. Only a few mulligan allowed. (Note: This rule can be adjusted in proportion to the skill of the players involved. In my case, 15-20 mulligan are acceptable). Great shots are only great if someone is there to vouch for them. “Almost” doesn’t cut it. Be a good sport and concede short putts. Always play out the 18th hole.
Many will argue that golf is not a sport. They have obviously never trudged through 18 holes of golf, which takes a good 3 hours, depending on how well you are playing. Not only can it take a physical toll but a mental one as well. It takes some serious cranial fortitude to watch ball after ball escape into the water, across the street, into the sand, into the rough and off the green. (All of these generally happen during my first four or five holes.)
Here at UCLA, we have a pair of spectacular golf teams. The men’s team is the defending national champion, while the women’s team took second a year ago.
Golf is also a great family game. My grandfather taught it to my father and uncle, and my father taught it to me, though there are times (often after an especially futile attempt at hitting a sand wedge) when I wish he hadn’t. I finally got to play a round with my grandfather, who took me out to one of his local courses in Oregon. My grandpa is in his 70s, and yet he whipped me good. I took it in stride, just happy to have the chance to play with the old guy, although I did take the opportunity to needle him for a few stunningly bad drives. The last of these was on the dreaded 18th hole, when his drive traveled into the trees. His next shot went completely sideways, leaving us pondering the laws of physics.
“Shut up,” Grandpa scowled as I laughed a little too loudly.
And that’s what makes golf so great. Even the best of players can look like a rookie sometimes (see: Tiger Woods on the final two holes Sunday at the Masters). Meanwhile, the most inexperienced hackers (me) can look like a champion with just one great shot, giving us a story to tell for years to come.
Speaking of which, have I ever told you about my first birdie putt?
If you’ve ever hit a hole-in-one, e-mail Salter at ksalter@media.ucla.edu.