Tips for O’Brien to thrive in Los Angeles

I’ve been missing a friend of mine. Normally, he’s there for me every night when I need him, filling me with laughter, companionship and a sense of worth ““ he makes me feel like I’m not a complete loser for hanging out in my apartment alone, cold and oftentimes scared.

That friend is Conan O’Brien. Just because I’ve never personally met the guy doesn’t mean he’s not a friend of mine ““ it’s just a matter of semantics. I admire O’Brien for reasons other than his talent as a late-night talk-show host. If I were a creepy Conan fangirl, I’d say that we are cut from the same pale-skinned, Boston Irish Catholic, self-deprecating cloth. But because I’m obviously not a creepy Conan fangirl, I’d say that I like O’Brien for that funny invisible string dance and his lovable impersonation of Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Jay Leno doesn’t do either of those things.

O’Brien stepped down from the New York-based “Late Night” more than a week ago in preparation for taking over “The Tonight Show,” which is shot in Burbank, in June. This leaves Jimmy Fallon as the new O’Brien, and while I admit to purchasing Fallon’s 2002 “comedy” album “The Bathroom Wall,” I’m going to miss O’Brien being on TV every night for the next few months.

O’Brien’s departure from the wacky confines of “Late Night” is bittersweet, but I’m happy that he’s coming over to this side of the continent, and more specifically, this fine city we live in.

The transition from New York City to Los Angeles could be difficult, but it doesn’t have to be. Since I’m fairly confident that O’Brien is a devoted reader of the fine publication you hold in your hand, I’ve written some tips for him on how to successfully make the transition to this city.

1. Start hanging out with Larry David

There is a fairly large population of New York to Los Angeles transplants, especially in the entertainment industry. But David is by far the coolest one. It might be difficult to get David to hang out with O’Brien at first, because it’d be an inconvenience to his idiosyncratic social tendencies, but the benefits of this union are awesome.

David, having been in Los Angeles for several years now, could really help O’Brien adapt to the hip L.A. lifestyle, and would hook him up with the hottest Hollywood accessories, like a Prius, a BlackBerry and Richard Lewis. I think that the duo would end up being really great friends ““ golfing on the weekends, conspiring together on social shenanigans, making their wives mad and having awkward candlelit dinners together.

2. Visit Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles regularly

Nothing will make a human being feel more at home than dining at this fine culinary institution at any hour of the day or night ““ but I would recommend that O’Brien first visit on a Sunday around noon, right after church gets out. ‘Scoes has the combination of fried chicken, fluffy waffles and a platter of sass, a fantastic combination that will make O’Brien fall in love with the city and its cast of characters.

I imagine that O’Brien will always be on the lookout for interesting comedic tidbits to incorporate into his show, and Roscoe’s is the perfect place for this. Every time I go, something weird happens, and Snoop Dogg is also said to regularly frequent Roscoe’s. I foresee a wonderful taped segment with Mr. Dogg and O’Brien happening at some point on “The Tonight Show.”

3. Don’t drink and drive, and always wear underwear.

This sounds like a no-brainer, but many celebrities seem to forget these simple things when they’re in Los Angeles ““ it must be something in the Evian. We’ve seen the perils that await the Mel Gibsons and the young starlets who take heinous mug shots after a night of boisterous partying or who hop behind the wheel and flash their private parts when they’re getting out. I think that O’Brien’s Harvard education would prevent such a Hollywood faux pas, but you never know what could happen if he goes out on the town with his band leader Max Weinberg and the oft pants-less announcer Joel Godard.

4. Maintain aversion to sunlight

Pasty skin in Los Angeles should be protected, not destroyed by the harsh Southern California sun. O’Brien is notorious for mocking his ghostly pale skin, and it will only stand out more here in Los Angeles, where Sunset Tan’d ladies (and increasingly, gentlemen) flock the streets with leathery zombie skin. I prefer ghosts over zombies ““ there’s more opportunity for hilarious self-deprecation with Irish Catholic ghosts.

Conan’s not taking over for Leno until June 1, which means we must endure an icy winter of Fallon until the spring thaw sees the tulips of Conan bloom. Until then, I’ll be on Hulu.

If you’re inviting Conan out for drinks at Brew Co., e-mail McReynolds at dmcreynolds@media.ucla.edu.

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