Touche, USC. Touche.
As some of you may have noticed, on Monday we were the victim of probably the greatest rivalry prank in the history of rivalries.
I’ve got to give respect where respect is due and this practical joke was nothing less than diabolical.
This was more conniving than if Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad played a high-stakes game of Monopoly..
That kid in middle school who’d always turn backpacks inside out, throw the books back in and zip-tie it closed? This was even sneakier.
A delicious Wetzel’s Pretzels pizza pretzel? This was way more twisted.
We got chalked.
At least four times someone scrawled “USC” on Bruin Walk right outside of Kerckhoff Hall. The devious chalking also read: “University of Suckers Anonymous,” with a certain four letter word inserted in the middle. It’s one thing to call us suckers, but to not even get our acronym right? That’s just hurtful on a whole other level.
Assuming it was, in fact, some of USC’s finest minds that perpetrated this massive crime ““ without completely ruling out Kim or Ahmadinejad’s involvement just yet ““ we’ve got to do something.
Looking back at the history of rivalry treachery between UCLA and USC, there are some historic moments that have led us to this day.
They stole our victory bell. We re-attached Tommy Trojan’s sword to his arse. They burned “USC” onto our grass. We airlifted feces onto Tommy. They released crickets into Powell during finals week. We changed the Hollywood sign to “GO UCLA.”
Now Monday, March 2 will be a day that lives in UCLA infamy. The Day We Got Chalked.
Keep in mind no UCLA-conceived prank will ever parallel the sheer brilliance that it took to throw down some third-grade graffiti on us, but keep an open mind.
Here are a few ideas to get the wheels churning.
As a general rule of thumb, anything that involves airlifting feces is pure gold. But it’s been done. I don’t care if your dad flies a helicopter and your mom runs a manure factory ““ when it comes to practical jokes, a prank is a one-time deal.
That just means we’ll have to get creative ““ and to be politically correct ““ within the scope of the law.
One way to do that? Silly string. Lots of it.
They thought the chalk was old school? We’re taking it way back.
Back in the elementary school era, those cans made every kid into a silly string terror. Now it might just be time to revisit the past.
Releasing farm animals is always great, too. Lob a few dozen blue and gold pigs and sheep over that fence of theirs and see what happens. You could even go “Operation Dumbo Drop” if an aerial strike were possible. Just make sure to land ’em on top of the buildings, though. There’s really nothing like having to get a 1,500-pound cow off the top of a lecture hall.
Here’s another one – cellophane. Particularly on toilets.
Think about it.
E-mail Feder at jfeder@media.ucla.edu with any ideas.