According to MapQuest, the distance from Rieber Vista to Ralphs in Westwood is .99 miles. In reality, not that far. What would you pay someone to make that .99 mile trip for you? The delivery service Stuck2Couch thinks $5 is reasonable.
Having everything delivered to you is the most expensive way to stay in. It’s a downward spiral. First it’s getting things delivered, then it’s lowering a bucket from your window and using a pulley system so you don’t even need to leave your room.
While the service’s Web site claims to serve “people who are stuck doing homework or are without transportation,” the truth is that it serves people too lazy to walk into Westwood. If you’re using Stuck2Couch, it’s probably because you’re buying things that you can’t get at Hilltop or at a dining hall. Cigarettes and alcohol, to throw a couple of ideas out there. However, as a policy, this company that relies on the inability of stoners to walk further than the distance from the elevator to the door said it will not deliver alcohol to dorms. While it advertises that deliveries from In-N-Out, Chipotle and Diddy Riese are free, I hardly think that most of their customers, mostly dorm residents, would use actual money instead of swipes to get food.
You know it’s an upstanding business when the “About Us” section on its Web site is just a slide show of greasy food playing Baby Boy’s “The Way I Live.” Its hours are typically subject to change without notice because the “staff likes to have fun just like you,” as it says on its site. Sounds like a reliable bunch of dudes.
Beau Dinapoli, a third-year anthropology student, was left extremely thirsty when the Stuck2Couch staff, who are based on Midvale Avenue, decided to call it a night.
“One time I called them early in the evening and was like, will you deliver some cases of beer? They said it was cool if I was over 21 and had an ID. I called them back a couple hours later to make an order and they said they closed early because they went out partying.”
My guess is that they were taking more pictures of themselves to put in the slideshow and listening to “The Way I Live” on repeat. But that’s just speculation; they could very well be listening to MSTRKRFT featuring N.O.R.E.’s “Bounce” on repeat.
I had a hard time getting a hold of them because they’re on a Ferris Bueller schedule. When I did reach them I had the pleasure of speaking with President/CEO/owner Cameron Smith, who graduated UCLA with a major in sociology in 2008.
“We started in October of ’08 and we’ve been going ever since,” Smith said, referring to himself and his business partner Devin Quinn, the vice president/sales assistant and fellow 2008 alum.
Most people can appreciate the novelty of this business venture. Others might call this service frivolous and pathetic. Chances are these same people are no fun and will continue to pass judgment on everything else you do, so you should get rid of them.
Replace them with people like Andrew Melcer, a third-year history student, who in his interview told me, “My minor is laziness. Stuck2Couch is a godsend. Sometimes I even ask them to go to Rendezvous to get me a bacon sandwich even though I live in Rieber Terrace.”
Look those addresses up. They’re in the same building.
In all honesty, the biggest problem I have with Stuck2Couch is that it’s an enabler. If you’re like me and are fascinated by shows like “Half-Ton Man” and “I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day,” you’d know that gluttony and sloth are BFFs. If Oprah had to walk to the grocery store to eat, she’d totally have her weight under control. However, she’d probably also turn her property into a real life Wonka Factory with chocolate-mixing waterfall and everything.
While the starters of Stuck2Couch earned their snaps for getting people to pay for stuff that is more than a minute’s walk from their doorstep (well, except for Melcer) they also earned eye rolls for banking on people’s laziness. Their business is the Snuggie of society: It’s almost useful, but then you realize that it’s not worth using because it’s humiliating.
If you can’t make a ten-minute walk into Westwood to get a cookie and ice cream sandwich, then you probably shouldn’t get one at all. It’ll turn you into an Augustus Gloop, in which case you’ll be Stuck2Doorframe.
If you’d pay Nikki to bring food from your dorm, e-mail Jagerman at njagerman@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.