I am a Pilipina dating a white guy. Contrary to popular belief, interracial relationships are still difficult endeavors to undertake. Sure, relationships in general are tough, but I would argue that interracial dating requires a lot more effort for both parties to understand each other.
Whenever I’m with his friends and family, I can’t help but wonder if they’re thinking, “Ooh, big ups for baggin’ the exotic brown chick!”
This type of thinking is disgustingly perpetuated by the media. Remember Vince Vaughn’s famous line from “Wedding Crashers” when he talks about his first time with an Asian? I’ve been asked, “No, really. What are you?” at a dinner party or two, as if I’m something other than human.
Though it can happen to men, women of color are constantly being fetishized, commodified and exoticized. We’re seen as something other than the white standard ““ a daring new experience one step higher than the sexual experience with a white person.
My relationship is complex and can’t be summarized by a racial binary, but I’m cognizant of what some people assume when they see my boyfriend and I: “There goes another Asian woman going for a white man.”
Within communities of color, there is often disdain when women go for white men and when men go for white women.
People who have internalized racism often try to counteract their self-hatred by exclusively dating white people. I definitely don’t want this to be symbolized by my relationship, but I can’t help it.
Racist acts are often solely thought of as the burning of crosses or the proliferation of hate-based Web sites still flourishing on the Internet. But racism exists all around us in more subtle forms.
Looking at the billboards on the No. 1 Big Blue Bus on my way to school, images of perfect-looking, skinny white women scream to me that my brown, curvy body is something to be disdained. When I look around in my classes, I’m acutely aware of how few black people are in the room.
Outlandish and blatant racism is very unpopular in the age of adopting little black babies (Hi, Angelina Jolie and Madonna), but this fashion statement only serves to make more invisible the concrete ways in which white privilege continues to oppress people of color. As a Pilipino woman conscious of this ingrained racism, I’m constantly addressing these issues with my boyfriend.
It would probably be a lot easier for me to date a Pilipino. I could wake up in the morning craving spam, eggs and rice and probably be met with equal enthusiasm as opposed to judgment and disgust. Meetings with the family would probably be easier as well.
Fourth-year communications student Peter Abichaker is a Middle Eastern American dating a Vietnamese college graduate. He said, “Sometimes the language barrier creates miscommunication when interacting with the family.”
Indeed, it would probably be easier for my boyfriend to date a white girl who isn’t constantly trying to teach him about the struggles of people of color and instead opt for a Sex and the City-esque relationship devoid of any racial or class tensions.
Nonetheless, while sticking with people from your same background may be easier and more comfortable, the fact that people come from different backgrounds means there is more room to grow through cross-cultural exchanges.
“Growing up in a multicultural household has been great in many ways, in my case, learning about Japanese and Jewish cultures,” said Tristan Schulhof, a fourth-year political science student and the child of an interracial marriage.
While I sometimes feel agitated by the need for me to teach my boyfriend about the struggles of people of color, he teaches me a lot as well.
He has taught me that sure, he’s white and that it inevitably affords him numerous privileges and opportunities, but he comes from an Eastern European background which is markedly different than a more idealized Western European heritage. Apparently, there’s a hierarchy and difference of cultures within white communities as well.
Despite my constant need to point out his white privilege, he is always willing to listen and learn. He takes my criticisms with an open heart and mind, like the time I told him his attempt to speak Spanish to every person working behind a counter can be seen as patronizing.
If there is one piece of vital information I can offer to people embarking upon an interracial relationship, it’s that color doesn’t define how much a person will care for you, respect you, motivate and inspire you. And it’s these aspects more than anything else that really make a strong relationship.
If you want to eat spam and eggs with Sterling, e-mail her at asterling@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.