BearWear cramps more than style

BearWear plagues this school. Sky blue and marigold are the symptoms of the spreading epidemic. The most obvious sign of infection is “The Den” T-shirt.

School pride is not the issue. One can be extremely proud of their Bruinness without having UCLA plastered on all of their earthly belongings. The BearWear plague falls into the category of mental illness and leads its victims to not understand that what they’re wearing is an eye sore. It’s a type of mental misconception.

Athletes have immunity. They have to wear it, and I can respect that.

What I can’t respect is people wearing it out and about like we don’t know that they go here. We know you go here. Do you know why that is? Because you obviously go here. BearWear is for tourists. It’s not an expression of your Bruinality. In fact, it is a sign of mental illness if you need a clothing item to remind yourself of where you are.

You don’t need to get a 4.0 in high school, be captain of a sports team, and an extremely philanthropic individual to shop at Ackerman. College attire elitism does not reflect the actual intelligence of the consumer. It actually makes them look a little dumber.

The most susceptible group of the disease is those who own Rainbow sandals.

Coming in at a close second is people with cargo shorts.

One theory as to why the Rainbow group is the highest risk group has to do with the fact that they’re wearing flip flops despite the fact that it is now December.

The theory behind the cargo shorts group is that they have no perception of reality and cannot rationalize that seven pockets is too many pockets. Therefore, they also cannot rationalize outside of a very narrow set of Bruinosophical ideals that all things relating to UCLA are inherently good and prestigious.

After extensive Bruinological study, I have concluded that the only ways to stop the outbreak is intervention. So here it is. Joe Bruin, it’s time to lose those God-awful sky blue and marigold Crocs, take off the Bru-suit, and get some real clothes. You’re a Bruinoholic, and the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. I know the surrounding Westwood neighborhood is enabling and encouraging your habit, but the truth is, that it’s gotten to a point of excess and it’s affecting your relationships.

Who wants to bring home the student store enthusiast for the holidays? When you go out, people at parties are just going to call you UCLA because it’s the only thing they’re going to remember about you.

When the New Year parties start, everyone will be wearing silver sequin dresses and New Year baby diapers, and you’re still going to be the worst dressed person there. Unless someone comes in head-to-toe rhinestone Ed Hardy and giant wrap-around sunglasses, you are going to be the biggest fashion faux pas.

The good news is that the BearWear plague is curable. Some victims go so far as to make a full recovery and are able to buy clothes with no logos or writing on them at all. Others only get so far as to trade in one bad choice for another (i.e. anything from Hollister, quirky shirts from Urban Outfitters, highlighter shirts).

The most amusing aspect of the BearWear is how seriously people that wear it take themselves. These aspiring young professionals would be expected of building a career-friendly wardrobe instead of acquiring the least sexy pajama collection of all time.

Make it your resolution to stay away from BearWear next year. Go from typical college student to someone that might actually be interesting. Stop wearing amorphous hooded sweatshirts with UCLA embroidery and get something more unique. (This should be easy because anything would be more unique than that sweatshirt.) Does the entire stadium really feel the need to wear the exact same Den T-shirt? Or can we put all that brilliance and creativity into being a bit more individualistic?

Do your part in ending the BearWear plague. Just say no.

If you need help getting through BearWear withdrawals, e-mail Jagerman at njagerman@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.

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