Heal relationship woes with self-indulgence

Last weekend, UCLA basketball player Nikola Dragovic was arrested on suspicion of battery after a fight with his ex-girlfriend. The two shared an apartment together, but following a breakup, Dragovic reportedly came home to find his belongings outside ““ an act straight out of every single John Cusack movie.

Breakups can be hard, but we can all learn from this and improve our ability to cope with these difficult times in ways that will soothe the damage done to the heart. This can be a great opportunity to journey to the inner depths of your soul in a way that does not result in felony charges and $20,000 in bail. There are other, better ways to heal. I’m sure many of you have dealt with breakups before, and those that have know that it’s a process of rebuilding, wrought with ups and downs as erratic as Gary Busey’s basic brain functions. And with the infamous Thanksgiving “Turkey Drop” approaching for the unsuspecting freshmen who are still with their high school beaux, I think it’s safe to assume that there will be some cranberry sauce soaked in tears later this month.

Luckily, I’m here to counsel you through these times of emotional hardship with a few ways to nurse yourself back into a heart-healthy lifestyle ““ without getting arrested.

The first option is to go on a booze run. No, you will not be doing any actual running during the throes of your breakup horror, no matter what “scientists” say about the positive benefits of all that endorphin mumbo-jumbo. The only physical activity will be lifting the alcohol of your choice from the Ralph’s shelf and putting it into your grocery basket.

I’m not advocating binge drinking by any means, but a few gin and tonics may just be the medicine that the Love Doctor ordered. Or as faux-reggae band UB40 put it in their sad, sad song “Red, Red Wine”: “Red, red wine goes to my head/Makes me forget that I still need her so.” Perfect! Cosmo may say that denial is a bad thing, but it’s not denial if you have truly erased it from your memory.

Your second option: Make a really sad playlist. In a sick way, it feels good to revel in your heartbreak. Having your heart torn out, stomped upon, set on fire and scattered off the Santa Monica Pier is part of the essence of being human. A great way to fully envelop yourself in this is to make a playlist of the most heart-wrenching, weepiest, mope-drenched music of other people who have suffered the same sorrows as you.

While normally I would recommend listening to Celine Dion on repeat if you want to induce suffering and many, many tears, a time like this calls for something a little more personally stirring. Going back to the music of your high school-angst phase is a great way to do this because no heartbreak is as real and as torturous as the high school heartbreak. No matter how many times I listen to The Strokes’ “Is This It,” I can still transport myself back to the days of horrifyingly awkward boy situations ““ but it feels so good. Your last-ditch, fail-safe for mood improvement? The Shiba Inu puppy cam. You are going to want to Google this immediately.

The puppy cam represents all that is good in the world. Don’t be discouraged if the puppies are absent for a bit ““ they will return with jubilance. Watching them play with each other like chattering munchkin dogs, romping around in their cute little fleece-lined puppy bin is to be filled with a fleece-lined warmth that is not of this earth. It’s unreal how cute this is: Any post-breakup sadness will melt away faster than you can say “kibble.” These angels will grow into “bonaFido” dogs eventually, but the memory of you whiling away hours on the Internet looking at puppies on a webcam while in the throes of a miserable breakup will last forever.

Alfred Lord Tennyson famously wrote, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” I think he’s right. While you may lose your heart, your dignity and even your spot on the bench, at least there can be a decent story behind it ““ with puppies.

If you could watch the puppy cam all day and listen to UB40 even without being heartbroken, then e-mail McReynolds at dmcreynolds@media.ucla.edu.

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