Some people sit back and watch history unfold, but a select few of us actually make it happen with the flick of our pens.
Almost a month ago, I wrote a column about a Phillies-Dodgers playoff game I attended in a Tim Lincecum T-shirt.
Yeah, I got called some names, but guess what?
The Phillies beat that hated Blue Crew and went on to win the first championship for the city of Philadelphia since 1980.
And Skinny Timmy? A couple days ago some people decided to scribble his name on a little piece of hardware they call the National League Cy Young Award.
Was it my influence? Who’s to say?
Then last Tuesday, I wrote a column about Barack Obama’s hoops game.
The first thing Obama did that day, once the voting booths opened, was to hit the courts for some pickup ball. Then, later that night, he won the election in, dare I say it, Lincecum-like fashion.
Is it a coincidence that words appear on this page and then later their images manifest in real life?
Well, for all you readers out there who wish your school paper had a horoscope because you’ve already failed miserably at both the crossword and Sudoku, you’ve found your new home in the Sports section.
Welcome to the first (and most certainly last) Daily Bruin Sportsoroscope.
ARIES: In a bold coaching decision for this Sunday’s game against the 49ers, the entire St. Louis Rams offensive line will drops trou at the line of scrimmage, distracting their opponents long enough to score a touchdown. Later, they will win the game and take the hotly contested NFC West title with a total of three wins on the season.
TAURUS: Chicago Bulls’ guard Derrick Rose will surprise the nation by returning to college because “his mom wants him to finish his education,” and will subsequently lead Memphis to an upset over the UCLA Bruins in the Final Four by yet another display of unmatched athletic ability.
GEMINI: At the Nov. 30 game between the New Jersey Nets and the Phoenix Suns, Robin and Brook Lopez will switch jerseys at halftime. No one will notice, and the twins will finish the rest of the season playing for the other’s team.
CANCER: In need of a new mascot after Oklahoma City franchise their Thunder, the Golden State Warriors will bring back the ’80s era mascot of the San Francisco Giants, Crazy Crab, to energize fans at home games. Days later, Warriors guard Stephen Jackson will arrive at practice with a giant tattoo of a crab claw holding a gun.
LEO: The Detroit Lions’ recent signing of previously retired quarterback Daunte Culpepper will encourage 40-year-old Barry Sanders to rejoin the team because he “was just faking retirement this whole time.” The Lions will immediately reverse their 0-9 start to come back and win the Super Bowl.
VIRGO: In a sad attempt to make both a romantic gesture and gobs of advertising dollars, Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez will star in a solo commercial for Rock Band, singing an off-key version of “Like a Virgin” in his boxers while awkwardly sliding across the living room floor.
LIBRA: In a display of both legal and poetic justice, the USC Trojan athletic department, after being found guilty of giving Hummers to many of its football players, will be ordered to supply environmentally friendly hybrid cars to the rest of its student body to combat the smog that now coats the campus.
SCORPIO: While participating in batting practice for the Chicago White Sox Spring Training in Tucson, Ariz., outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. will be stung by a scorpion on his right foot. The injury will put him on the DL, cutting short yet another promising season for Junior.
SAGITTARIUS: Viktor Ruban, Ukrainian archer and 2008 Olympic gold medal winner, will be arrested after shooting a meter maid in the chest with an arrow. It will later be reported that the incident was induced by a bad case of “˜roid rage, and Ruban will be stripped of his medal on the basis of tests indicating the use of Human Growth Hormone in his shooting arm.
CAPRICORN: The Chicago Cubs will win a record 162 games in the 2009 season only to be foiled in the NLCS when a crucial fly ball is knocked down by Steve Bartman riding across the outfield on a billy goat.
AQUARIUS: After the conclusion of the NFL season, Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu and Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams will star in an off-Broadway production of the musical “Hair.” Despite the standing ovation for his rendition of the musical’s most famous song, Williams will be fined by the league for marijuana possession following the show.
PISCES: Coming out of nowhere to miraculously repeat the franchise’s past success, the Florida Marlins will win their third World Series in 2009. They’ll clinch the victory in front of a home crowd of 8,000 fans, and two hours after the game, their entire starting nine will have already been sold to the New York Yankees and Detroit Tigers.
If you used the stars to foresee midterm answers, e-mail Smukler at esmukler@media.ucla.edu.