Secrets can actually be a lot of fun

American Girl magazine always preached that keeping secrets from people is mean, and that “secrets, secrets, are no fun” and that “secrets, secrets indeed hurt someone.” This may have worked in the context of fortifying “the Sisterhood” through feminist historical fiction and dolls, but because I’m an intellectual now, I realize that secrets can be cool. Even cooler than owning doll-sized colonial silverware for Felicity.

In today’s world, when your every move is tracked on your Mini-Feed (or whatever it is that Facebook has up its cyber-sleeves), being a member of a (skull-and-) bona fide secret society has more appeal than ever. There’s something about it that goes beyond antiquated charm; the notion of secret societies is shrouded with mystery, bloodshed, spooks and Jeffersonian legend … with lots of pranks. And I love pranks more than Ashton Kutcher did three years ago.

On last week’s episode of “Gossip Girl,” the 23-year-old high-school seniors from Manhattan schlepped to Yale (yet filmed at Columbia) for some interview/orientation BS, but we all know it was just an excuse for the actors to wear tweed and crunch some leaves with their leather Prada boots. As predicted immediately upon realizing the episode was set at Yale, the wannabe Oscar Wilde-ian dandy of the bunch, Chuck Bass, found his way to the famous Skull and Bones secret society.

Now, not every secret society has noble aims. This is an example of a crappy secret society, or rather, a crappy portrayal of one. Obviously the majority of the public doesn’t know exactly what goes on at Skull and Bones meetings nowadays, but I imagine the society’s original intent was a bit deeper than hiring foreign prostitutes and tying some dude to a flagpole, as happened in “Gossip Girl.”

Skull and Bones may not have (reportedly) done the most admirable things. CBS News 60 minutes reported that the society robbed graves, as well as granted George W. Bush et al membership, and The Washington Post reported that members masturbated in coffins.

The mystery, historical legends and potential felonies behind Skull and Bones is enough to make the principle of such secrecy a romantic notion. Almost as romantic as “Nights in Rodanthe.”

It’s impossible for me to write about the best secret societies. The greatest ones have achieved a total secrecy as underground as Dick Cheney’s bunker, which major news organizations such as BBC could only speculate on in 2002.

But there is a popular model for cool secret societies that should be replicated, and it comes in the form of a Nickelodeon television gem called “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”

The show’s premise centers around The Midnight Society, a group of French Canadian teenagers who gather round ye olde campfire and tell each other spooky ghost stories that scare the daylights out of 7-year-olds and this 20-year-old.

Starting this Saturday, the N channel will start televising old episodes of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” I really can’t stress the momentousness of this occurrence enough. For all of you privileged enough to have had the demigod from Time Warner Cable enter your home, congratulations, you’ve won the lottery. From Oct. 25 to Halloween, the N will air 23 episodes of the show, beckoning in the coming of the Funpocalypse.

Anyway, The Midnight Society was the coolest because the kids were rebellious for sneaking out of their houses at midnight, but were also clean-cut enough that they didn’t drink whiskey and smoke cigarettes and get pregnant in doing so. They also just had a really great aesthetic about them, from their picturesque campfire, to their flannels and Timberlands, and especially the bag of sand the storyteller would toss into the fire as he or she began the story.

How could you not want to be a part of The Midnight Society when the kid would say, “Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society … the Tale of Old Man Corcoran”? It sounded so formal and elite, like a wicked Andrew Jackson addressing the Freemasons. There were some initiation hurdles to jump over, too (as with every legitimate secret society), but nothing gross or demoralizing a la college fraternities. These kids just pulled pranks meant to test the guts of newbies by spooking them silly in the woods.

I know that many secret societies do bad things, but there is still a relevant appeal to the more noble ones today. Maybe it’s just my history-major tendency to long for the mystery of the past when patriots in three-cornered hats communicated with lanterns and rode the Underground Railroad, but it’s empowering to be in on a secret. Especially when it’s a good one.

If you want to form a secret society based around Bacchanals and the study of Latin, then e-mail McReynolds at dmcreynolds@media.ucla.edu.

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