Over the past two weeks, I’ve learned more about China than three quarters of a history degree has imparted and a lifetime of buying Chinese toys ever taught me.
Who knew their 12-year-old girls were such good gymnasts? Or that they could control the weather? Or that they distributed handbooks to four million households on important Olympic etiquette like never wearing white socks with black shoes?
I, for one, had no idea.
But all jokes aside, the 29th Olympiad has brought some serious global lessons across the icy Pacific waters that will have the impact of a Queen Latifah cannonball at the public pool.
For starters, nobody really knows how the Chinese are doing it, but they’re medaling faster than Downey Jr. in “Iron Man.” They’ve got over 700 gold ones so far in Beijing (statistics not reliable) and established their dominance as the world’s leading producer of athletes.
With the help of 1.3 billion specimens to choose from, China has become a manufacturer of the world’s best tiny gymnasts, splashless divers and badminton beasts. With the exception of a gold-medal magnet by the name of Michael Phelps, China has thrown America to the kids table at the Olympics.
They’re turning America into second fiddle compared to their Yo-Yo Ma and I don’t know about you, but this is a problem.
How will other countries ever respect America if we can’t even produce the best synchronized diving team? I hate to say it, but they won’t.
That’s exactly why nobody thinks much about the country of Moldova ““ they have one lonely bronze medal. It’s cute really.
But anyway, this is about getting back to the adult table, returning to the limelight, showing the world why Ricky Bobby once called America the greatest country in the world.
It won’t be easy and it won’t come quickly, but it must be done.
But here’s where the rubber hits the road ““ our freedom is getting in the way of gold medals. We need to start sacrificing all those freedoms that the founding fathers were so proud of and start churning out some hardware.
I’m talking about genetically engineered babies. I’m talking about training ping-pong stars full time starting in pre-school. I’m talking about sending any baby that looks like he might be athletic to the middle of Wyoming to start training for the decathlon.
Pretty soon we’ll be spitting out Olympic athletes like donuts at Krispy Kreme.
Because in the end, that’s what the Olympics are all about ““ showing the world that these colors don’t run.
And when they do, it’s in world record time.
Don’t let the Olympic Committee or some sappy “One World, One Dream” theme fool you, the Olympics are about meeting the high standard that Will Ferrell set for this country in “Talladega Nights.” Forget about global unity and harmony, America needs a return to glory faster than Usain Bolt.
Four years from now, I want to see some bioengineered babies breaking records and raking in the golds for the U, S and A.
Because, after all, it’s the American way.
E-mail Feder at jfeder@media.ucla.edu if you knew Phil Dalhausser was in “Gladiator” before starting a career in volleyball.