Sports is a form of entertainment, and it is often headlined by superstars. After viewing the latest in a long line of hero flicks ““ “Iron Man” ““ I couldn’t help but cast our current sports stars as superheroes. After all, it’s the stars who spike TV ratings and drive fans to the gate. They appear larger than life and seem to posses superhuman powers.
So, if sports stars were superheroes, which roles would they play?
To start with, six-time Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps would be Aquaman, obviously. We can nominate the Pistons’ starting lineup of Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince and Rasheed Wallace as the Fantastic Four. Barry Bonds is the Incredible Hulk. Literally. He is a humongous muscular creature whose head has expanded in recent years. You probably wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.
I’ll admit, lately when watching stellar performances, I have been comparing athletes to superheroes. For the leading names in comic book lore, I’d nominate:
Iron Man: I couldn’t help but think of Kobe Bryant, who like Tony Stark, is brash and has no shortage of braggadocio, while destroying the opposition with military precision.
Iron Man prematurely tests his designs, and Bryant has been known to create a move in practice, then implement it the next night in a game. For the Iron Man of the sports world, there is no better place to practice than in the actual game. Even Bryant’s steely gaze resembles Iron Man’s luminous eyes.
Spider-Man: Peter Parker is unassuming and nerdy, but manages to leap, flip and roll into positions unattainable by normal hominids. There has to be at least one combat sports star on this list, and mixed martial artist B.J. Penn fills the role of Spider-Man perfectly.
You may not be familiar with Penn, one of the best pound-for-pound fighters in mixed martial arts, but he is a human spider, contorting his body into positions most insects can only dream of. Opponents describe his legs as a second pair of arms, and he is so rarely rocked on his feet one wonders if he has his own “Spidey sense.” Like Parker, Penn’s appearance is less than intimidating: He stands at 5 feet, 9 inches and 155 pounds.
Batman: Bruce Wayne, the Dark Knight of Gotham, is a mysterious, creative and passionate warrior who poses as a playboy during the day. With apologies to Tony Battie of the Orlando Magic, whose nickname is “Batman,” that sounds a lot like Patriot quarterback Tom Brady, who is heralded as the golden boy of the NFL and has dated actress Bridget Moynahan and model Gisele Bundchen.
What most people don’t know is that while Brady masquerades as a pretty boy, he is a maniacally hard worker, even fashioning his own personal Batcave in high school when he recreated conditioning drills in his garage.
As mild-mannered and fashionable as he is in post-game interviews, Brady displays the passion of the “Caped Crusader” when he screams and slams his helmet into his teammates before games. Actually, sometimes he does that during games, too.
Superman: The creme de la creme of superheroes is who else but Tiger Woods? He is so good at golf, we wonder if he is from another planet. Clark Kent is intelligent when fighting crime, and Woods displays similar tactical acumen when tackling the hazards of a golf course. Superman is physically impregnable, save for Kryptonite. Woods is a physical specimen whose only Achilles’ heel is his left knee, which was operated on in 1994, 2002 and this year. Krypton’s last son draws his power from the yellow sun, and Woods displays incredible abilities when he dons Sunday red, such as Herculean driving power and video-game putting skill.
Most importantly, the world needs Superman, and golf needs Woods.
So that’s one man’s take on sports and superheroes ““ perhaps you have your own nominations. I’d love to hear them.
E-mail Taylor at btaylor@media.ucla.edu