Couples build relationships across age gap

When Danielle Shelton, now 18, first started dating her boyfriend, she was 16 and he was 23.

Shelton, a first-year biology student, met her boyfriend, Alex Martinez, through her best friend in high school. He was her friend’s older brother.

Though neither Shelton nor Martinez had ever dated someone with more than a two-year age difference before, they did not consider their age gap an issue.

Many students at UCLA experiment with dating people of different ethnicities, religions, financial backgrounds or ages. Some like Shelton find that, even with a large age difference, a couple can still have a lot in common.

“It was exciting to date someone older,” Shelton said, “But I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.”

For Shelton and Martinez’s family and friends it was a shock at first, but they eventually got used to the idea.

“My parents didn’t want me to date him, but they finally realized they couldn’t force me not to,” Shelton said.

For several months Shelton and Martinez’s sister did not speak, but they’re now on good terms.

“It was hard, but we fought through it,” Martinez said. “Now my dad absolutely loves Danielle.”

Julie Albright, a sociology lecturer at USC and a licensed marriage and family therapist, said family and friends’ opinions of a relationship do have a large effect on the success of the relationship.

“The stigma of dating someone different, whether in age, race, class or religion, is not as critical in the short-term, but in the long-term, disapproval from one’s social network often affects the relationship negatively,” she said.

Despite their age difference, both Shelton and Martinez said they are more similar than different. Both are full-time students ““ she attends UCLA, and he attends San Jose State ““ and both have similar easygoing natures and the same taste in movies and music, Shelton said.

“We work because we have a lot in common,” Martinez said. “I’ve dated girls that are a lot different than me, and it does not work in the long-term.”

Albright said she agrees with Martinez that, in the long-term, relationships are more successful when couples are more alike.

“The idea of opposites attracting is based on sexual attraction. People that are different from us are mysterious and exciting. But for a long-term relationship, we look for someone more alike,” Albright said. “Nine out of 10 times, partners more alike are better at withstanding life’s ups and downs.”

Age only become an issue for the couple when hanging out with each others’ friends, Shelton said.

“It’s kind of weird when he hangs out with my friends because he is past the college-party phase,” she said. “But it’s not an issue because we mostly are together one-on-one.”

They broke up for two months at the beginning of the year when Shelton started college so she could have the complete college experience but soon got back together.

“I knew all along I couldn’t be without her. But I wanted her to figure that out for herself,” Martinez said.

Both said their relationship has become very serious and, though they do not have any definite future plans, they often discuss marriage.

“Even when we’re just sitting on the couch talking, I always have so much fun with her,” Martinez said.

Colleen Clark, 21, a third-year communication studies student, is also in a serious relationship with a man six years older. Clark met her boyfriend, a 27-year-old Italian, through a friend while studying abroad in Italy.

They were together for two months in Italy and have continued their relationship long-distance for the past three months. She said that, though she and her boyfriend have differences, they complement each other well.

She often forgets their age difference, she said, because they get along so well.

“We have similar personalities, interests and life views. He’s a good listener, and we have great communication. He just understands me,” she said.

Clark said she prefers to date older men rather than younger ones because she feels they are more mature. Also, she said she thinks it’s less taboo to date someone older than younger.

Albright said it is definitely more socially acceptable for an older man to date a younger woman than the reverse.

“Its a double standard,” Albright said. “Women are considered attractive based on their physical beauty, and men are considered attractive based on their financial status. Therefore as women age they become less attractive and men become more attractive, so it is harder for a woman to date a younger man because she is considered less attractive than when she was younger.”

Clark said she likes the fact that her boyfriend has a job in marketing and a good sense of identity.

“Since my life is in transition, its nice to know someone who has a good idea of where their life is going,” Clark said. “But at the same time, he is also very funny and does not take himself too seriously. It’s a good balance.”

Clark and Shelton feel they have a lot in common with their boyfriends despite their ages, and that is why their relationships are successful. For them, age is nothing but a number.

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