It was her final week of classes last fall quarter, but after her grandmother passed away, Kate Tardino had more to think about than finishing up papers and studying for final exams.
The loss of a loved one for UCLA students like Tardino can add increased stress to juggling academics and busy personal lives, but the university offers case-by-case discretion and psychological support.
Tardino, a second-year undeclared student, had been coping with the rapid decline of her grandmother’s health for about six weeks, and on Dec. 5 she was notified that her grandmother had died, she said.
“It was my last week of school, and it was definitely really difficult,” Tardino said. “I was going home every other day trying to help when I could and trying to spend time and visit with my grandmother as much as possible.”
Because most of the people in Tardino’s family all work full time, Tardino found herself spread thin as she tried to balance visiting her grandmother and going to class, she said.
“It definitely interfered with schoolwork,” she said. “It’s sort of hard to read a textbook when you have something like that on your mind. I skipped classes when I had to, because going home was my priority.”
For students who experience loss or are grieving, the university offers services to aid them through their difficult time.
The UCLA Student Psychological Services office offers this aid, UCLA psychologist Dr. Andrew Felder said.
“There’s no one way that people grieve,” Felder said. “Sometimes folks are going to feel their emotions immediately after a loss, and sometimes they’re going to feel sort of numb at first. It’s not that one is right or wrong; it’s just a personal feeling.”
Felder said that whichever form of grief a student may experience, SPS offers an outlet for them to share their feelings and get emotional support.
“Ideally, the important thing is not to grieve alone,” he said. “Grief and mourning are social processes, and healthy grieving is allowing your emotions to surface so they can be worked through. In the long run, it’s the effort in trying to suppress feelings in the hope that they’ll fade that doesn’t work.”
Timing can be a huge factor in the ability of a student to cope with a family loss, said Kyle Wood, a second-year undeclared student.
Wood’s grandfather ““ who lived with Wood and his family ““ passed away the first day of school after winter break.
“I had been home with my grandpa for three weeks, and the day I got back he passed away so it was really upsetting,” Wood said.
Because he was close with his grandfather, coping with his loss was extremely trying for Wood.
“Basically I didn’t want to do anything,” he said. “I just wanted to stay in my room and I didn’t want to go to class, but I knew that I needed to. I wanted to be back home again.”
A natural reaction elicited by the loss of his grandpa was to close off from his friends at UCLA, Wood said.
“For a while I just wanted to be alone ““ like I told people not to talk to me and to leave me alone,” he said. “But I spoke with my mom, and she told me I couldn’t just sit in my room and that I needed to do stuff with other people to get my mind off of it.”
Opening up to another person and sharing feelings with them is vital when dealing with grief, Felder said.
But even when students grieve in a healthy manner, it can still be hard to balance coping with the loss with schoolwork, he said.
“A person can ask themselves what are my limits, ask themselves what they are able to do or not to do and what they need to do or do not need to do,” Felder said. “And once these questions are answered, if they need to opt out of doing certain things or fulfilling certain requirements in order to seek help, we can let them know that they have these options.”
Felder said students can request a meeting with their professor, dean or department chair in order to ask for help when suffering from a personal loss.
Tardino felt able to ask for this help.
She said her teaching assistant and professor understood and helped her when she suffered from her loss.
University policy is to leave grades and decisions on how grades are determined to faculty discretion, said Liz Kivowitz, a university spokeswoman.
When students suffer from a loss, proper protocol is to contact their teaching assistant or professor and explain if an exam will be missed or an assignment will be late. It’s basically the professor’s decision how to handle it, Kivowitz said.
And many UCLA professors handle absences, late assignments and missed exams on a case-by-case basis in the event of a family loss.
“I have my standard policies regarding class absences and late papers, but for a family loss I would want to speak specifically with the student,” said Sarah Kareem, an assistant professor in the English department.
Kareem added that the student should speak with their teaching assistant first.
Tardino did just that, she said, adding that communicating her personal academic conflicts was really all that was necessary to maintain her grade during such a difficult time.
“I really don’t know how my grades didn’t suffer from that, because I definitely missed classes and stuff,” she said. “I constantly had to contact my teaching assistants and explain that I had a loss in the family and tell them why I was absent or late with assignments.”
She said she felt lucky, because the classes she was taking at the time were not as hard as some other quarters.
“If I had the classes that I have this quarter or last quarter, I’m not sure my teaching assistants would have been so understanding,” she said.
But during trying emotional times, asking for support is the most important thing, Felder said.
“When people experience a loss, emotional energy is taken away from the person,” he said. “What’s important is that students are OK with asking for suggestions from folks who can provide support when this emotional energy is taken.”