Flirts use an assortment of teasing techniques

If I had a dollar for every guy who hit on me by asking if I am going to write about him in my next column, I could probably pay off my student loans.

Don’t get me wrong, I expected that writing about sex and relationships would make me an easy target, but recently, this pattern has become increasingly apparent.

Perhaps it’s the fact that this is the time of year when Cupid throws up all over us.

So in light of February’s notorious day when couples get to flaunt their “love” with long-stemmed roses and we singles end up drowning our sorrows in overpriced chocolates, I thought it best to be an optimist this time around.

By correctly identifying the type of flirts who approach me, I just might become one of the “flaunters” next year.

In my recent observations, I have noticed that people tend to get stuck in a general “flirting rut” that starts ““ I would guess ““ around fifth grade.

The guy who is blatantly rude to you on multiple occasions, taking every opportunity to tease you, wouldn’t go out of his way to give you attention if he weren’t interested.

And the girl who gets frustrated to the point of wanting to physically punch you when talking with you, well, you get to her for a reason.

I’ve summarized the results of my surveillance with six “flirting identities.” Keep in mind that all six are universal representations. You may just find that awkward guy from the coffee shop or overly attentive girl from your Sociology 1 course among them.

The classic first identity is the shy flirt. This is the person you see from across the room facing your direction, but you can’t tell if he or she is attempting to make eye contact or just thinking really hard. You may want to reduce the distance between the two of you to find out which case it might be, but use caution as the shy flirt tends to scare easily. After a few flutters around the room, I believe it is safe to approach with a simple “hello” if this individual’s body language is still in your direction.

Next in line falls the awkward flirt. Easily recognized, this identity usually stems from low self-esteem or lack of experience in the dating realm. The person who drops a napkin on the floor in front of you, happens to be bumping into you on the dance floor a little more than is necessary, or asks you for a pencil in class every day, falls into this category.

Slowly breaking from the two previous “quiet” identities unfolds the playful flirt. This is the ultimate elementary school character in the flesh. Giggling, tickling, brushing a hand down your back and breaking subtle boundaries, playful flirts find power in their smiles.

Moving on, we come to the dignified flirt. Most of this type’s techniques revolve around intellect and “deep” conversation, something difficult to pull off with a person you just met. This may seem like the most mature choice, but do not be so easily fooled. This person was most likely the kid who tutored the jocks and made the math club drool in high school. The only way this type has ever gotten attention and kept it is with his or her smarts.

Obviously powerful and powerfully obvious, the seductive flirt tends to be one of the more successful identities. Keeping a careful balance between boring and slutty is no easy task. I must admit that some of the qualities that make up this flirting identity require winning the genetic lottery. For example, piercing blue eyes, tongue muscles that can tie a cherry stem in a knot, and rhythm in the hips are somewhat required.

Saving the best for last, I close my identity list with the professional flirt. This person is so smooth that you could end up on a third date halfway through a bottle of wine or on Third Street in a random bedroom without even remembering what happened.

At the risk of starting controversy with my words, I would describe the aftereffects of a professional’s flirting as an extreme high personified. Mind you, this flirting identity is very rare. You would be lucky ““ or unfortunate ““ to come across one professional in your lifetime.

With the exception of this ever-so-suave identity, we really might as well still be in the fifth grade when it comes to flirting.

Not much has really changed and everything was just so much simpler at 10 years old.

Unless we all somehow learn the mysterious and utterly successful ways of the professional identity, I stand up and proudly say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with a little tease, a little punch or a little giggle here and there.

After all, these techniques have been effective on me for the past 10 years, and I see no need to fix something that works just fine.

Want to add your flirting techniques? E-mail Forde at nforde@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.

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