She may be toxic, but she isn’t dead yet

As an avid reader of PerezHilton.com, I’ve kept up with Britney’s missed court appointments, her trips to Mexico with her paparazzo boyfriend (now rumored ex-boyfriend), her torn stockings and her boot collection.

I keep up with Britney because I care ““ I’m addicted, she’s toxic.

So when I read that the Associated Press is already preparing Britney Spears’ obituary, the news resonated to the bottom of my broken heart.

AP Entertainment Editor Jesse Washington told Us Weekly, “We are not wishing it, but if Britney passed away, it’s easily one of the biggest stories in a long time.”

While it seems insensitive to be considering newspaper sales when death is involved, Washington is viewing the situation rationally.

Writing obituaries in advance may be morbid, but when a story hits, journalists want to be as prepared as possible to cover it.

And it is actually common practice to work on obituaries in advance for dignitaries, business leaders or former presidents, so that detailed descriptions of their lives and accomplishments can run whenever necessary.

And I appreciate the preparation, actually. Obituaries can be inspiring reads, usually because they are for people who have lived full, long and accomplished lives. You can learn about all the things people can do in one lifetime.

The New York Times obituary of chess player Bobby Fischer this past weekend was long, but got into the international implications of his victories, his self-imposed isolation, his questionable sanity. It was an influential life.

The 2007 obituary of super rich New York socialite Brooke Astor, also in the New York Times, had a link to view her bequests, and it is always interesting to see who got millions.

While each life is different, obituaries all hit certain points. The beginning generally goes over the immediate cause of death, moving into what the deceased is best known for. Then the obit takes a turn to report where and when the subject was born and to whom, then goes through the early years of his or her life and career, explaining the personalities of the deceased through their work, wrapping up with survivors and legacies. It’s all very tied together, and it would be difficult to piece all this together nicely for the next morning’s paper.

The AP has 1,000 prepared obituaries. Most are for people over 70. Britney is 26.

Given her erratic behavior, Britney’s grip on the world isn’t entirely stable. And apparently Anna Nicole Smith’s sudden death last year was a big lesson that celebrities exhibiting bizarre behavior may soon need an obituary.

People are seriously worried about Britney’s life. Preparing an obit means people believe her greatest accomplishments are behind her and her life can already be summed up.

She may not be smart, she may not be pretty anymore, and she may not really be all that talented, but she is by far the biggest celebrity out there right now. I was completely on Team Britney back when people compared her to Christina Aguilera, and I still am.

I always think the next post I read on PerezHilton.com will be of Britney, in a pencil skirt, jacket and sensible heels marching into court to reclaim her children and her dignity. But every day, when I don’t see that news, I’m still not upset ““ she’s just too unphotogenic.

But celebrity antics are all fun and games until suddenly they’re not. I liked reading about Britney’s bizarre behavior because I figured it was just a phase and that in a few years she’d be boring. So while this news may not be a wake-up call for Britney, it is certainly one for me.

I may like reading about when celebrities go crazy, but in real life, it’s no fun.

If obituaries are too morbid for you, Crocker recommends wedding announcements. E-mail Crocker at acrocker@media.ucla.edu.

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