The holidays can be amazing or horrifying, usually depending on your romantic status. The lights and the cheer are inspiring and enchanting … when you have someone to share them with.
But when you are alone, everything seems to be mocking you: the carolers, the enormous availability of sweets, even the cold weather. They all remind you that you are spending the holidays without a significant other.
Going through another holiday season without a boyfriend of my own, I propose an idea to bring the fun back to the singles: naughty gifts. After all, we can still take advantage of all the sales.
There is no rule that says you need to be in a couple to purchase erotic toys, or anything sexual for that matter. This holiday season, surprise your friends (and some family, too) with unconventional gifts and new, creative ways to keep warm through the winter.
At the top of the wish list, coming in at a mere PG-13 rating, are arousal teas. Specialized by gender, this holiday-themed aphrodisiac provides warmth orally and internally. They’re about $5, and you can choose flavors from mint to chocolate in six tea bags to enhance any erotic feeling.
Next, look to replace the stack of old magazines crowding up the coffee table with some contemporary reading. A book of Kama Sutra will definitely give a little spice to the room. This addition is the perfect combination of education, athleticism and entertainment. It’s essentially a how-to guide for experiencing the best pleasure of your life.
Moving on to wardrobe, Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood each have huge sales going on throughout the season. Pick up some comfy pajamas for your little sister and a sexy little lingerie set for your best friend. You can find panties in any color ““ red, blue, green or black ““ to match Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. They make a lovely gift for those who jump between the naughty and nice list throughout the year.
The next gift idea begins to flirt with an R-rating. Games for lovers can be surprisingly fun when played among friends. Throw in a couple sex dice with your spiked eggnog and you have got a whole new spin on the traditional “drinking game.” With directions on one die demanding you to lick, brush or tickle and the other noting the body part (toe, ear, elbow), anything can happen.
Next, satisfy the chronic sweet tooth of a friend with some edible delectables.
How about making a sweet impact at the Undie Run next Wednesday? Edible undies don’t have to lead to sexual acts, especially here at UCLA where, three times a year, we dedicate an entire night to the display of underwear. They are a rather practical gift for any UCLA student who plans to participate in the festivities.
In addition to undies, there are now edible body paints in many different flavors. If you’re into risqué sexual behavior, paint yourself ““ or whomever you choose ““ and have a good time.
Also, proving its multifunctional use, edible body paint can be the greatest invention for the avid sports fan. I guarantee that the other team will be floored when they see UCLA fans brilliant enough to spell out “Bruins” on the chests of six men in blueberry and lemon varieties.
Lastly, for those of you not afraid to let it all out, there is a wide range of X-rated female and male erotic aids. What would stuff a stocking better than a discreetly used suction pump, a handful of condoms, or the Magic Bullet (and I’m not talking about the blender)?
And, of course, don’t forget the batteries, or else your friends will just think you’re a tease.
You may want to purchase these items and give them as a joke, but I can confidently say that, although your recipient may giggle when unwrapping the gift, they will be thanking you endlessly on the inside.
No matter how scandalous you choose to get, always remember what is important about the holidays: sharing them with the people you love.
Those people need not be your boyfriend, girlfriend, or even your “friend with benefits.”
Friends and family never fail to provide enough chaos and entertainment to keep you engaged during the holidays and throughout the year.
This season, don’t play it safe with your gifts, take a walk on the naughty side of the list, and have a wonderful holiday.
Want to share in the holiday spirit and give a gift to Forde? E-mail her at nforde@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.