Men and women: We are quite different.
Often, we do not understand each other, especially when it comes to our needs.
But why does this trend hold true for the majority of us dating in college? The evolutionary psychology perspective may shed some light on this annoying dilemma, reaching back thousands of years to our initial programming.
According to Darwin and his evolutionary theory, everything about the human body and psyche is an adaptation evolved through natural selection. Human evolution is the reason men and women seek certain mates and act the way we do in relationships.
According to David Buss, the evolutionary psychologist who performed surveys on mate preference in 37 countries on 6 continents, human universals exist. For men seeking women, those universals are signs of high fertility, youth and beauty. For women seeking men, the universals are signs of great resources, financial success and ambition.
Lucky for us, I think evolution has left room for interpretation.
You don’t need to provide an annual income of six figures, an SUV with six seats, or a white-shuttered house with six bedrooms to be a great husband, boyfriend or father. Successful support can mean emotional support, too.
The guy who makes you laugh is a much better long-term match than the guy with washboard abs.
In my opinion, the best provider is the one who doesn’t let you walk away, the one who wants to make it work even if the situation is far from ideal.
For men, evolutionary psychologists say the main goal is ensuring their genes are passed on.
Since men can never be certain about paternity without genetic testing, they view it as favorable to impregnate as many women as possible. Studies have shown that men are therefore much more likely to engage in random sex than women.
Be that as it may, it’s outdated to assume that men are still using the desire to pass on genes as the only reason to get laid.
Motivation for sex has split between seeking pleasure and seeking reproduction. Perhaps promiscuity and sexual desire became naturally selected traits in men, initially passed on by our most ancient male ancestors.
Sadly, then, the result of this theory translates to the act of “sleeping around” becoming a continued reproductive benefit.
So how does all this psychological talk about reproduction and babies relate to the college-age student who fears a positive pregnancy test? Well, it’s all about our programming.
Students age 17 to 24 are not generally looking for diapers and formula to go along with midterms and Undie Runs. However, we cannot consciously shut off the evolutionary advantages that have been naturally selected for our survival.
When making decisions about who to date, men stand a lesser chance of making a mistake, at least according to their reproductive strategy. It is advantageous to their survival to be with many women.
Men may never fully grow out of their “womanizing” phase, but I believe they are capable of reaching a level of maturity that makes commitment, and even heartbreak, possible.
The only problem is their will to achieve it. Most men I have dated, especially at 22 years old, don’t possess that desire.
According to the evolutionary theory, women choose men for quality over quantity. Being highly selective means there is more to lose.
When women put so much effort into one serious relationship and it still ends, the theory states that they suffer deeper. They have essentially failed in their strategy and immediately fall back to the beginning.
Being a woman, I’ve felt that breakup nausea. I still have no quick fix beyond buying a puppy, going to Disneyland and spending time with the people who love you.
It’s quite possible that men and women will never evolve to always see eye to eye.
However, it is time that we respect each other’s differences. If she wants more attention and you can’t give it, be honest.
If he can’t handle the distance that separates you, understand it.
I’m not an advocate for breakups, but you should know the difference between settling and compromising. Compromise is needed in any good relationship, but settling will only lead to an unhappy ending.
The greatest gift we can give each other is acceptance.
Acceptance of our differences, acceptance of our desires, and acceptance of whatever is meant to be.
Want to challenge evolution? E-mail Forde at nforde@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.