I am not Canadian, and I have never spent more than three hours in the land of maple syrup, moose, “eh” and “aboot.”
I am not from the frozen lakes of Minnesota or the subzero climate of Massachusetts.
And, barring some disastrous and furious act of global warming the likes of which only Al Gore has seen or imagined, I will probably never have the chance to skate on a frozen pond or lake while living in Southern California.
Saying all that, I am, however, a hockey fan.
When I was younger, my brother, our friends and I would play roller hockey in the alley for hours. And I’m not going to lie, I was good. I could have been somebody. I could have been a contender. The only part I could never quite get down was the whole skating backward thing. Thinking back on it, that was probably the biggest reason I never pursued a career in hockey. Or maybe it was the fact that I was small, weak, pudgy and handled the puck like I had two left hands. But I’m going to go with the former.
I find hockey to be extremely fascinating. It’s fast-paced. It’s exciting. It’s intriguing. It’s engaging. Hey, I even have two fantasy hockey teams.
The only thing wrong with it is the fact that the league is run by a man who does not know the difference between a zucchini and a Zamboni.
Gary Bettman, the commissioner of the National Hockey League, has been about as successful at his job as Lindsay Lohan’s rehab counselors.
He has overseen two work stoppages during his 14 year tenure. He has ruined the NHL’s publicity by negotiating television contracts that pretty much ensure that people will not watch the games.
The biggest television endorser of the NHL is Versus, the only channel where you can watch bicycle riding and wood-chopping on a regular basis. It’s basically like ESPN 8 ““ “The Ocho” ““ minus all the fun and interesting dodgeball action.
The other contract is with NBC. Now at first you might think that NBC is a big name, so it is a plus for the league. But there is a catch: NBC is allowed to dictate and control which games and at what times they will broadcast. This was made painfully clear last year during game five of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Ottawa Senators and Buffalo Sabres. The game moved to overtime, but rather than broadcast it, NBC switched from the game to pre-race coverage of the Preakness Stakes. Horse racing? Not even horse racing, but pre-race horse racing?
While Bettman may be one of the most inept commissioners to ever lead a sports league, he has not destroyed the beauty of the game and the amazing story lines that the sport creates.
When hockey is played at the highest level, it is one of the more beautiful things in all of sports. It is a Peyton Manning touchdown pass, a Ken Griffey Jr. home run swing and an Allen Iverson crossover all rolled into one.
Passes are crisp and connected with pinpoint accuracy and control.
Scoring chances are created with deft dekes, strong skating and powerful finishes.
And the speed and intensity of seeing a game live is comparable to your first time seeing “Superbad”: amazing.
The story lines heading into this season only add to it. Will 20-year-old Sidney Crosby continue to live up to his billing as the next Wayne Gretzky? Have the Kings found the franchise goalie they’ve never had in 19-year-old Jonathan Bernier? Will the Ducks repeat as Stanley Cup champions, despite a depleted roster?
So I encourage you to start paying attention to the little sport that our neighbors to the north seem to be so crazy “aboot.” Go to a game, watch it on TV and just give it a chance. I assure you, you will not be disappointed.
Unless you follow the Anaheim Ducks.
E-mail Howard at ahoward@media.ucla.edu if you have ever ridden a Zamboni.