When her youngest child, Jillian Levi, a second-year undeclared student, left home to attend UCLA, Jan Levi said she felt she was at loose ends. She said being a mom had been more than a role ““ more like a job.
“It’s as if you’ve had the best job for 18 years and then all of a sudden, someone says to you, “˜OK, you’re fired,'” Levi said.
The feelings of sadness and loneliness Levi felt after both her kids left the house are known as empty nest syndrome, said Irene Goldenberg, professor emeritus at the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior at UCLA.
She said that it’s difficult for parents, especially the mother, when their kids leave home because they no longer have the same responsibility of raising their children; the focus of their lives must shift.
But surprisingly, the syndrome is not as prominent as it might seem.
“I find that I see less (of this syndrome) than I expect,” Goldenberg said.
Levi said she felt a great deal of sadness when Jillian Levi left, but she said she feels a great joy in seeing her settle into school and be able to take care of herself on her own.
“A lot of parents worry about their kids leaving but manage it better than expected,” Goldenberg said. “They find joy in the freedom and the ability to redirect their lives.”
Many parents also go back to school or back to careers, she said.
Jan Levi, who works as a secretary at a local high school, enjoys the ability to be more spontaneous, to decide to go out to dinner when she does not feel like cooking.
“You can be a little more selfish,” she said.
“I went with a friend wine tasting for her birthday, which I probably would not have done if my kids were living at home.”
It is also a time for parents to strengthen their relationship with one another and try new activities together, Goldenberg said.
“It’s great to be reacquainted with my husband and reignite the relationship,” Levi said. “We have time for fun things, such as getting season tickets to Broadway San Diego and going to see plays once a month.”
Still, the separation from Jillian Levi and her older brother Josh Levi is difficult for Jan Levi. She often thinks back to her relationship with her parents when she was in college and how she enjoyed the independence but still talked to her mother frequently.
“I want to keep the lines of communication open without smothering my kids,” Levi said. “It’s difficult because, as much as I want to be asked for advice and help them make decisions, it’s important that as my kids mature, they want to be independent and figure things out on their own.”
Goldenberg agrees that parents should encourage independence.
“If parents continue to try to manage their kids’ lives in college, it doesn’t work,” she said. “A lot of parents worry they will not have a relationship with their kids, which isn’t true. Their kids need them ““ not every minute, but they still need them.”
Jillian Levi talks to her mom on the phone daily. She said she thinks she has had a better relationship with her mother since she started college.
“We talk about the same kinds of things, but now I see my mom more as a friend than a parent. And because I am not living at home, discipline does not come into play,” she said. “I also respect my parents more because I now know how difficult it is to live on your own and am beginning to understand what they had to give up to be parents.”
Jan Levi is looking forward to her relationship with her daughter developing.
“As she continues to mature, our relationship becomes more an adult talking to an adult instead of an adult talking to a child. There are fewer boundaries,” she said.
The hardest thing, Goldenberg said, is for parents and children to find ways to make their lives meaningful without relying on one another.
“It’s such an exciting time because (my daughter) can really find herself,” Jan Levi said. “But I still miss her.”