As a new Bruin, this is your creed

Here at UCLA we have a lot of traditions. Some of them may seem a little weird to you at first. To this day, I still don’t know why I need to clap eight times for any of our teams to win a big game. But I clap. I don’t know where the “dead dog Rover” song came from, but I sing it anyway.

The list goes on. We have these traditions for a reason, and, even if I don’t know what that reason is, it’s enough that they’re there. After a while, these traditions start to define us, to bring us together as UCLA, and not just as some school surrounded by really bad traffic.

So, in no particular order, here are a few things that, as a new, tradition-bound Bruin, you should know about yourself:

1. You hate USC. You do. I don’t care if your parents went there. I don’t care if your high school girlfriend goes there, and you’ve been planning to stay together because, come on, you’ll both be in Los Angeles, and you’re really, really in love. They’re the devil and that’s just the way it has to be.

From now on, as far as you’re concerned, their campus is in the ghetto, they’re buying their empty degrees, and Pete Carroll is too scared to ever go back to the NFL because he knows he’s an awful coach. Modify your sense of humor accordingly.

2. You’re pretty sure O.J. did it. See above. Listen, I didn’t follow the trial, I don’t think I’m a cop because I watch “CSI,” and everything I know about the evidence I learned from those obnoxious people who are absolutely sure they knew what really happened and think it’s their duty to tell me.

But I do know one thing: If the crimson and gold throwback fits, then I’m not about to acquit.

3. You think John Wooden is God. Some people say there’s no way he could win 10 championships in today’s NCAAs. Others say he had the best talent, and that there weren’t as many good teams back then. That’s fine for them ““ some people love being wrong (the entire student population of ‘SC for example ““ see how easy that is?).

But Wooden is a genius, could coach a C-level, coed intramural team into at least the Sweet 16, and you’re not interested in ever hearing otherwise.

Let me add this: I’ve never had the honor of meeting coach Wooden, and if you put the two of us and Joseph Ratzinger in a room, you better believe I’m shaking Wooden’s hand first. Don’t know who Joseph Ratzinger is? Exactly my point.

4. You’re about to become an exhibitionist. This is more of a long-term thing. Right now, you probably like clothing. You’re probably wearing some right now.

But, as the quarter drags on, and midterms pile up, and you stay up until 5 a.m. writing a paper on postcolonial buzzwords in the writings of some Russian guy whose name you can’t spell, much less pronounce, and then finals hit, you’re going to find your clothes more and more constricting. And, by Wednesday night of finals week, there will be only two words in the world that will make you feel better: Undie Run. That one pretty much explains itself.

Maybe that’s not all of the traditions we have here at UCLA that you should know about, but those should be enough to get you by for a quarter. And if you still have more questions after that, then just come find me at the first Undie Run and ask me. I’ll be the one holding a burning Reggie Bush jersey and shoving over the Pope to meet John Wooden.

If you’re offended by jokes involving the Pope and Trojans, then please don’t e-mail Lampros at nlampros@media.ucla.edu.

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