Achewood
By Chris Onstad
www.achewood.com
Oh, hi everybody, I’m not used to this public speaking stuff but uh, I will try not to get all embarrassed. My name is Roast Beef and uh, there is not really much to say about myself so I guess I will write at some lengths about much times with my friends.
First is Ray who is my dogg since wee days. Dude has hella dollars and uh, this one time he bought Airwolf the helicopter. Anyway, I helped him out at the Great Outdoor Fight a few months back and he made all types of history. Last week he had us all play stoned softball but I am not so cool on drugs and uh, so I had to wear a helmet.
Also there is Philippe who is five years old and ran for President, but uh, he didn’t win because Todd the Squirrel was his running mate. Todd is a pretty cool dude I guess, but uh, he can be kind of sleazy. He and Lyle usually get hell of twisty on Jack and Coke and forget where the bathroom is.
I guess I should speak some on other folks while I’m at it. Cornelius Bear, for one. Dude is basically a straight-up player, no lie. He won Ray’s Badass Games like it was nothing.
Anyway, doggs, you can read about us on the Internet on Achewood.com. Right now I am hell of anxious about proposing to my girlfriend, Molly, and getting all types of jittery.
All walking through the forest and trying to convince myself. All worrying about buying her a ring. All eating Chinese food and confused about why anyone would want to get married and watch each other die for like 40 years which uh, has to be hell of long times to watch some dude bite the big one.
Oh God, I totally did it again I am losing my cool like an ice cube in a microwave asdf asdf asdf asdf asdf asdf
E-mail Roast Beef ““ er, Greenwald ““ at dgreenwald@media.ucla.edu.