Every Sunday through Thursday, I get back to my room at around 7 o’clock after spending most of my day at the Daily Bruin office.
I still have quite a few hours left until I fall asleep, but after being at the Bruin all day, every ounce of productivity has been siphoned out of me. (It’s taken quite a hit on my grades, as you can imagine.) So I usually resign myself to the most pointless, unproductive, useless, yet addicting, activity this world has ever seen.
I sign on to Facebook.
Before I go on, let me add my own personal disclaimer: Don’t mistake me for one of those facebook creepers who spends hours and hours online. I don’t run into people on campus whom I have never met before, but already know what year they’re graduating, what their major is, and if they’re in a relationship or not. But I still check it enough to be frustrated at myself for wasting away my life in this manner.
And considering I am sitting here in the sports office, needing to write a column, yet putting it off by going on Facebook, I might as well merge the two activities together.
So, let’s talk about some interesting things I found out about athletes on Facebook.
Chris Markey is a stud. As of Wednesday afternoon, he has 928 friends on Facebook. I doubt he talks to all of them, but comparing his friends list to mine immediately and drastically lowers my self-esteem. He’s also a member of 213 groups. Highlights include “I Hate Joakim Noah” and “USC: 30,000 people stupid enough to wear red in South Central Los Angeles.” After what is typically an amusing profile, in his “About Me,” Markey talks about his love for his family and if the NFL doesn’t work out, he would love to work with children.
Like I said, what a stud.
Former football center Robert Chai’s profile brings new meaning to the phrase short and sweet. His favorite books, favorite quotes and “About Me” are as follows: “Anything that has pictures,” “If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying,” and “I haven’t lost in Tic-Tac-Toe in like 8 years.” Not to mention that his profile picture, a nice exposure of him heaving a USC defensive lineman practically a mile off the ground, brings out Chai’s true personality: a comedian.
Luc Richard Mbah A Moute, or Luc Mbah A Moute according to Facebook, seems to be less typical than most of the other athletes. Not only is his profile rather sparse, but Moute only has 78 friends. Seventy-eight friends! The “guy with inhuman Halo skills” sitting next to me in my math class has more friends (and if you don’t know what I’m talking about, find the group on Facebook titled “Summary of 99% of the people you will ever meet in college,” and prepare to waste another four hours of your life). Maybe I’m not really looking at the right profile, or maybe Moute selective about his friends.
Either way, I’m quite intrigued, but not enough to interrupt my mission. On to the next athlete I can find.
Bruce Davis’ profile is hilarious. I can’t reiterate most of his profile in the paper, but I invite you to check it out. It’ll provide you with some entertainment for a few minutes. And while I’m on the subject, my favorite Facebook group to date is “Guns don’t kill people, Bruce Davis and Justin Hickman kill people.”
Some of the athletes from other sports don’t have nearly as entertaining Facebook pages. Maybe it’s the high-profile life of the football player that translates as so on to the Internet. Or maybe volleyball and soccer players are simply more normal. Who’s to know? A good amount of them have their Facebook profiles off limits for viewing, and good for them, because I would do (and I currently do) the exact same thing. Blocking your profile prevents people like me from writing pointless columns about your profile.
I don’t know what I wanted to accomplish with this column. Maybe to save you the time of looking the athletes up yourself. Or maybe I accidentally accomplished the opposite and now you’ll spend the rest of the night on athletes’ Facebook profiles.
In fact, I’m starting to realize how pointless this column is. But therein lies my point.
So is Facebook.
E-mail Wenzel at awenzel@media.ucla.edu, or better yet, add him on Facebook.