Don’t have plans to save the world this summer? Don’t stress ““ try these jobs

I have a confession to make: I have no clue what I’m doing past June 15.

If you’re anything like me, you’re probably moping around while your friends announce that they’ve gotten in to Tufts University for veterinary school, accepted a job to work at Google, or ““ like my boyfriend ““ beaten out hundreds of people to land a prestigious summer internship at Entertainment Weekly.

What happened to the days where escaping to Thailand for six months while you figured out your life was acceptable?

So I’m here to save my fellow Bruins who haven’t gotten a summer internship or a job yet.

Since we’re all intelligent, highly motivated people at UCLA (mostly, unless your idea of a good time is not remembering what happened last night), you can design your own internship tailored to fit your skills and interests.

And if you need inspiration, take a look at my celebrity-themed list. Turns out we can learn a lot from our fashionable Hollywood counterparts.

1. The Paris Hilton Financial Internship ““ Perfect for economics or accounting students who missed the deadline for Price Waterhouse Coopers. Learn how to spend money like it means nothing. You’ll be adept at adding and subtracting numbers and managing money in no time.

2. The Lindsay Lohan Public Relations Internship ““ After La Lohan spends a night of hard partying and stumbles out of Winston’s like she’s on a ship at sea, she’ll need someone to tell the nosy paparazzi that she’s, like, seriously only drinking water.

And what better person to do damage control than you? Maybe they’ll believe a Bruin.

Internship perks include attending parties with her ““ just to make sure she’s on her best behavior, of course.

3. The Tom Cruise Religious Studies Internship ““ Applicants can be from any background or stage in life. Students who have no life direction and are easily swayed into believing in aliens are preferred. Learn religious practices like training routines, in which you sit with your eyes open for hours, not moving or twitching.

Forget going to the bathroom or eating. Or doing anything. Ever.

4. The Hugh Laurie Medical Internship ““ Study under one of the world’s leading physicians, Dr. Gregory House. Gain valuable clinical experience for your medical school application. You’ll need it, considering you can only get into med school with a 3.99 GPA and by finding a cure for AIDS.

That being said, being selected for this prestigious internship is no easy feat. House just plain doesn’t like many people, and will find something wrong with you, from the color of your shoes to your body odor.

Even if you do land the internship, be prepared to face torrential streams of criticism, sarcasm and undeniably brilliant but snarky quips. The faint of heart need not apply.

5. The Perez Hilton Journalism Internship ““ It’s no secret that journalism is increasingly moving toward the Internet. What better way to get your hands wet (in the field of online journalism) than with the Queen-of-All-Media himself?

If selected, you will be working in a luxurious office on Sunset and Fairfax in West Hollywood (read: Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf) and learning professional journalism skills (because we all know that gossip and speculation is true journalism).

Qualifications include a penchant for talking about people’s faux pas without shame, a dislike for Sienna Miller, and the ability to rapidly change your hair color.

These internships may not be exactly what you’re looking for to get the best experience for your resume, but hey, at least you can hang out with celebrities.

After all, for that job, no skills are required.

If you’d rather do a survival internship with the cast of “Lost,” e-mail Fylstra at jfylstra@media.ucla.edu.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *