First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes ““ a diploma?
That was my response when reading the Daily Bruin article last Monday on the rising number of students getting married in or just out of college and the surprisingly high success rate of these marriages.
But after researching and talking to students, I have realized that marriage in these formative years can actually solidify spousal bonds.
Hearing about these marriages was unsettling at first, especially with the social stigma of young, unprepared adults “playing house” until things get too hard and they bail out. I had a hard time understanding students who would take the plunge into marriage at such an important time for growth in their lives.
Married and engaged students have had to conquer this stigma.
Heather Gonzalez, a second-year political science student, accepted her boyfriend’s marriage proposal recently.
“People who I don’t know so well, who don’t know a lot about our dynamic as a couple, assume that we’re naive about what it takes to be married,” Gonzalez said.
But in fact, statistically, people who get married between the ages of 23 and 27 have higher-quality marriages than those who marry later and a lower divorce rate than those who marry younger.
The aversion we feel when we hear of our engaged and married peers comes from common concerns about our own abilities. Students feel they can’t take care of themselves, let alone be responsible for an equally irresponsible counterpart. Some feel they are losing out on the freedom to explore life.
But Gonzalez feels that married couples aren’t necessarily at a disadvantage when gaining the life experiences of single college students.
“My fiance and I have really great communication and have both seen what plans each other has,” Gonzalez said. “We’re able to combine those into a plan for building our life together.”
But college graduates, women especially, are so focused on their career goals that they are less likely to get married. Women have even begun to believe that getting married would somehow diminish their ability to fulfill their personal goals.
With high divorce rates, concerns also include emotional and financial security independent of a spouse.
Being in college does not make one automatically financially or emotionally independent from one’s parents. Thus, going into marriage without this independence shifts the reliance that one has on their parents to their spouse, who may not be completely ready to handle the emotional baggage.
But young marriages among college graduates seem to succeed. Why?
The years following graduation are the years to build financial security and establish oneself as a professional. We are taught that couples should establish ““ first and foremost ““ their individual selves before becoming part of a unit.
In essence, going into marriage later, we think of ourselves as individuals rather than as parts of a unit. Our careers, our finances, our goals have been established prior to marriage and those must be re-evaluated.
However, if couples have discussed marriage in college or are engaged or married before entering the career world, it is easier to grow forward in harmony with another person.
Partners should still have independence from one another. Each should have their own type of financial security to assure there is equality in the marriage. Then, friction in regard to “bread-winning” and independence does not come up.
Another positive of young professionals tying the knot is that recent college graduates are on the same wavelength when it comes to achieving certain career and life goals.
As we proceed into the professional realm of life, our colleagues and potential partners may not be at the same point in their lives that we are. The common ground of life experiences offers another foundation to young couples.
I am certainly not condoning romanticized “let’s get hitched” actions by couples of all ages who marry without really understanding the seriousness of this lifelong commitment.
But my perception of college and college-graduate marriages has changed.
I respect their decisions and, to some extent, envy the support systems they have created for themselves.
Need an extra bridesmaid?
E-mail Bissell at abissell@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.