I’m too busy being famous to take my final

Acid reflux disease.

That’s the excuse that Ashlee Simpson would give to get out of her Chemistry 14A final. I’m sure of it.

She’d probably explain that she could ace the acids and bases part of the final, since she was experiencing acid so vividly in her own throat.

While we’re at it, let’s figure out what other celebrities would say if they were late to or wanted to get out of their finals at UCLA.

I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone’s favorite party girl, Lindsay Lohan, would be too drunk or drugged out (what was the mysterious white powder on her pants a few days ago?) to attend her History 1A final. But being wasted isn’t really a valid excuse, so what could she possibly say?

Most likely she’d say that her father, recently released from prison, was going to stalk her, that she didn’t want to see him, and that he could just, you know, magically show up at Dodd 147 to try to reconcile with her. Right before her final.

Kiefer Sutherland wouldn’t take his Global Studies 100A final because he would claim he’s seen much of the world and learned about globalization while trying to save America, and just as the final would start, he’d get a call from Chloe sending him on his next mission.

I wouldn’t stop him if he bolted out of Franz 1178 ““ that man has some very important business to do.

Britney Spears is an easy one. She could get a doctor’s note in 3 milliseconds from her rehab center, saying that she’d have to reschedule her final until her treatment is over. Who knows how long that will take, though ““ unfortunately, it looks like she has a long way to go before she becomes the same “Toxic” diva she once was.

In fact, she might not take her Phy Sci 5 final until next September.

Perhaps Kevin Federline can use the excuse to get out of that final too. He used to mooch off of Britney, so why not use her final excuse as well?

Simon Cowell would race to get a front seat at his Music 5 final, since he’s familiar with British and American pop music.

For the record, I don’t actually know what the final is for this Beginning Voice class, but I imagine it would be performing a song that the student had rehearsed all quarter for a letter grade.

As Simon sat in his chair for the final, scowling at each student who performed a song, he’d shout out “Boring!” or “Your hair makes you look fat.”

Needless to say, he’d be kicked out of the final for disruptive behavior. But at least he wouldn’t have to perform himself. I bet his own singing voice is horrid.

The cast of “Grey’s Anatomy” would show up at their UCLA Medical School final exams but protest that “We’re not doctors, we just play ones on TV!” After they misdiagnose the fifth patient for their practical exam, the professors would begin to see the wisdom in their statement and let them go back to Seattle Grace.

But excuses aside, if you really want to get out of your final, then become a celebrity yourself.

That way, you most certainly won’t have to take a final at UCLA ever again.

Fylstra is wishing that she was Kirsten Dunst so that she didn’t have to take her Neuroscience 101B final. E-mail her at jfylstra@media.ucla.edu.

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