Squirrels in Santa Monica love getting jiggy with it. So much so that now the city is faced with a squirrel-population problem.
In fact, the population of squirrels in Palisades Park has become such a risk for residents that the city of Santa Monica has decided to give the squirrels birth-control shots ““ an immuno-contraceptive vaccine that will stunt their sexual growth.
This story hit was still hot off the press when I got an invitation via e-mail from a group called “Sex Columnists United Against The Hindrance of Sex.”
In response to this use of forced contraception, a band of sex columnists had decided to unite to fight for squirrels’ sexual rights.
Among others, the members included most sex columnists from the Ivy League and UC Berkeley. As a former sex columnist, and a resident of Los Angeles, they requested my presence and expertise. I was only too happy to attend, especially since they were paying my way to San Francisco for the weekend.
After listening to a panel discussion on the psychological effects of bestiality on cows and horses, I found myself at the meeting I had come for. The meeting went as such:
Natalie Krinsky of Yale’s “Sex and the (Elm) City” said, “This is ridiculous. We can’t be forcing squirrels to stunt their sexual growth. The boys will never learn to last and the girls will forever be sexually frustrated. What if this practice spreads to college campuses?”
“And the answer is so simple. We have to teach them how awesome oral sex is. Maybe we should give them something to practice on first, baby carrots come to mind. I could even do a demonstration.”
“On a squirrel?” Mindy Friedman of the Daily Californian at UC Berkeley replied.
“It’s all about the juice,” Krinsky said.
Nikki Nussbaum of the Cornell Daily Sun interjected, “Honestly, we just need to feed them more. Nobody wants to have sex with a fat squirrel. No sex, no babies. Easy.”
“What about people with fat fetishes?” Miriam Datskovsky of the Columbia Spectator asked.
“You mean squirrels with fat fetishes?” Friedman replied.
“Right,” Datskovsky clarified.
“We need to look at who we can save here,” said Dan Savage, a syndicated sex columnist and the guest of honor.
“There’s no reason that gay squirrels should have to suffer because of their straight friends’ inability to keep it under their fur. Gay squirrels don’t add to the population problem. And maybe when the others understand the incentive, they’ll realize the wonders of homoerotic love.”
“Yeah, maybe we should give them squirrel-sized anal beads. That could help,” Friedman said.
After the columnists actually finished reading the Los Angeles Times article detailing the plans for the squirrels, they realized that this method had already been used in Berkeley. Friedman seemed surprised:
“I guess there haven’t been as many baby squirrels and it has been a bit more difficult to go squirrel fishing,” she said.
But they quickly forgot about the program’s potential success.
“Maybe we should try to promote mutual masturbation,” Krinsky mused.
“Are you going to demonstrate that too?” Friedman asked.
“Or maybe we could teach them the pull-out method,” Nussbaum continued.
“Squirrels have sex?” interjected a confused Heather K. Strack of the Dartmouth Free Press.
“Anybody else have any ideas?” Krinsky asked.
Former Daily Bruin columnist Jed Levine jumped in: “Why only squirrels? It’s a great alternative for affirmative action. Mandatory birth control for whites and Asians.”
Nobody was quite sure why Levine was there. Or even who he was.
“I once had sex with a squirrel,” Jessica Culver, the infamous sex blogger replied. “I made $200.”
With that, the meeting turned into a mess of squirrel-related personal anecdotes.
I decided it was time for my departure. As I flew home, I realized how absurd the meeting had become. Sex columns are an amazing medium for expressing sexual ideas and educating people on sexual issues, but some stories are better left locked in the bedroom.
To me the answer seems obvious ““ clearly we need to respect squirrels’ capacity to make their own choices and form their own individual agendas of sexual self-expression. Or not.
I like squirrels. Do you? E-mail Loewenstein at lloewenstein@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu