Dear Angelina Jolie,
I recently read on sfgate.com that you are looking to adopt a child again, and I’ve got the perfect idea for you: Britney Spears’ kids.
Sure, I know you and Brad want to adopt a child from Vietnam this time, and yes, I know you don’t want to adopt a child from the U.S.
But think about it: this is your chance to perform the perfect act of goodwill.
In fact, if you did this, I would even pretend the whole messy Jen and Brad breakup never happened.
Ever since Britney shaved her head, I’ve been terrified for little Sean Preston and Jayden James.
And now that Britney’s in rehab for the third time in the span of a week my biggest question is, who’s taking care of the kids?
I’m not saying Britney’s a bad person; she’s not even the worst pop artist out there.
I genuinely enjoy retro Britney ““ think “Baby One More Time” ““ and even music snobs out there (my boyfriend, ahem) have to admit that “Toxic” is a cut above the rest of modern pop songs.
But, my dear Goodwill Ambassador, just take a look at Britney’s recent track record, and I think you’ll have to agree with me that you might be the best option for her kids.
Let’s do a 30-second recap of the past few years.
January 2004: Britney marries childhood friend Jason Alexander in Las Vegas. The marriage lasts 55 hours and is annulled because, according to her lawyers, Britney “lacked understanding of her actions.”
July 2004: Announces engagement to Kevin Federline. Enough said.
September 2004: Britney is “married” to K-Fed. Later reports say that their true wedding was in October, and that this one was to fake out the paparazzi.
Spring 2005: Premiere of the reality show “Chaotic,” which is supposed to give fans a look at the lovely lives of the Federlines. That clip of Britney rambling about “time travel” on YouTube still baffles me.
February 2006: Drives with Sean Preston on her lap in the front seat.
November 2006: Divorce from K-Fed leads to long nights of partying for Brit and her new BFF, Paris Hilton. Together with Lindsay Lohan, the three expose more of themselves than I ever want to see.
February 2007: In and out of rehab. Shaves head and looks like Gollum from “Lord of the Rings.” Some say this is a publicity stunt, but I think it’s a cry for help.
I know what you’re going to say. What about Fed-Ex?
Can’t he take care of his American-born kids?
I suppose he could. He’s turning out to be pretty decent, seeing as he convinced Britney to finally commit to rehab.
Still, I have my doubts about the parenting capabilities of a man whose first official single on his critically-slammed rap album is titled “Lose Control.”
But when I think of what celebrity parents I’d want Sean and Jayden to be raised by, I think of you and Brad.
Brad did say he wanted a soccer team of little kiddies running around, so what’s two more?
At least they’d learn to appreciate different cultures, since your other adopted kids are from Ethiopia and Cambodia.
Plus, they’d get to live with Lara Croft. What boys wouldn’t be in a constant state of awe, standing next to their favorite video game heroine?
My point is, Brit’s not a girl, but she’s not yet a woman.
So please, Angelina, think about it. Because if you won’t do it, who will?
Sincerely,
Julianne
Fylstra wishes Angelina Jolie would adopt her, too. E-mail her at jfylstra@media.ucla.edu.