The SAT is to the GRE as (a) tension headache is to migraine, (b) USC is to Harvard, (c) abhorrence is to repugnance.
I’m bored. Next!
And now I’m faced with what my parents and grandparents have told me numerous times that life is about: Doing things that I don’t necessarily want to do in order to achieve some sort of end.
In my case, this end would be entrance into some sort of graduate school ““ hopefully of my choosing.
But as I am fast approaching graduation and the time for really deciding what comes next is upon me, the last thing I can bring myself to do is to sign up for yet another test.
I should be facing forward and preparing to stride headlong into the abyss known as the “real world.”
But instead I’m finding myself looking back on my time in school and thinking about all the things I’ve learned.
And, of course, all the things I haven’t.
But there is one thing I can definitely thank my California public school education for: my ability to successfully take tests.
After plowing my way through elementary, middle, high school and college, I think I can pretty confidently say that I’m good at looking at four possible answers and figuring out to a reasonably accurate degree which ones are obviously wrong, which one is there to throw me off, and finally, deducing which one is correct.
If I get stuck, I’m also pretty talented at looking at my Scantron to see which letter answer has appeared the least.
Yup, I think I’m definitely ready to head into the real world.
I think my education has adequately prepared me for that interview with a Potential Boss (PB) when he or she asks me:
PB: How has your college experience prepared you for a business career?
Me: …
PB: Well?
Me: I was waiting for the choices.
PB: Choices?
Me: Like (a), (b) or (c).
PB: Right. Next question. What influenced you to choose this career?
Me: Finding a job was choice (c). That’s the most commonly correct answer.
PB: What was the question?
Me: “What will you do after you graduate?”
PB: And the choices?
Me: Well …
(a) Go to graduate school.
(b) Join (enter nonprofit do-gooder group here).
(c) Work.
(d) Other.
PB: What’s included in “other”?
Me: Preferably some sort of unavoidable circumstance that doesn’t make you sound like a lazy bum. For example: “My mom’s got breast cancer, and I’m going to become her full-time caretaker.”
Or alternately, something insanely cool that will make people really jealous of how incredible your life is ““ like, “I’m going to spend two years backpacking across Antarctica to film a documentary about penguins.”
If not those two, well, that’s why I chose (c).
PB: Okay, moving on. Do you have the qualifications and personal characteristics necessary for success in your chosen career?
Me: …
PB: We’ll skip that one. If you could improve anything about your university what would it be?
Me: I hate analogies. I would get rid of those.
PB: How will the academic coursework you’ve completed benefit your career?
Me: Do I lose points for guessing?
PB: Would you describe yourself as a team player?
Me: I don’t remember this being on a study guide.
PB: Which is more important to you: the job or the salary?
Me: I’ll slip you a twenty if you give me a hint.
PB: Do you feel that your grades are an accurate portrayal of your academic achievement?
Me: Absolutely. I graduated with a 4.0.
PB: OK, Ms. Loewenstein, I think that’s all. Thanks for your time. We will notify you by phone in a couple weeks after we’ve finished the selection process.
Me: Can I ask you one question?
PB: Sure.
Me: Did I get an A?
If you’d like help studying for your next multiple-choice exam, e-mail Loewenstein at lloewenstein@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.