For those (beards) about to rock, I salute you

Musicians and beards ““ they just go together. Not all
musicians need beards to be great, but the way I see it, it’s
like Cap’n Crunch cereal: If you’re given the choice to
have them with or without Crunchberries, why would you choose
without?

Now, there are a lot of different kinds of beards and it’s
easy to get confused. That’s why I’ve devised this
system. Now you can tell what beard goes where, what kind of genre
it belongs in, and what message certain facial hair is meant to
convey. I call it “Dominick’s Beard-o-meter” and
it offers an in-depth look at all the major facial hair categories
of musicians, in order of length.

The Hip-Hop Beard

Though most rappers do without facial hair altogether, those who
do opt for the pencil-thin kind. It may be little more than a
mustache, it may be a goatee, it may even trace the entire jaw
line. The hip-hop beard is all about subtlety, about making do with
what you have and doing it with style. Examples: Kanye West, Pusha
T, Lupe Fiasco.

The Mainstream Beard

Look no further than MTV’s 18 minutes of music videos each
day to catch a glimpse of this one. The mainstream beard is neat,
clean and trimmed to an edge. It has but one purpose, and that is
to boldly declare “I spend far more time on my looks than I
do on my music.” Examples: Justin Timberlake, Lenny Kravitz,
John Legend.

The Alt-Rock Beard

This beard’s job is to distinguish the mainstream rockers
from the alt-rockers. This is accomplished by leaving the facial
hair somewhat unorganized. Careful trimming should be avoided, but
it should still be kept clean. It should not be more than an inch
or so in length. Examples: Eddie Vedder, John Frusciante, Dave
Grohl.

The Alt-Country Beard

We all know Kenny Chesney has a face as hairless as a second
grader’s, but soldiering alt-country artists know that a
beard is an important thing. Alt-country beards are longer than
alt-rock beards and much messier, even haggard. Though it’s
not always the case, it implies a lack of good hygiene. These men
are all about the music and their sloppy facial hair proves it.
Examples: Will Oldham, Jim James, Jeff Tweedy.

The Folk Beard

Also known as “The Nice Guy Beard.” Normally longer
than the alt-country beard, the folk beard differs in its
cleanliness; it’s meant to convey the artist’s gentle,
almost paternal image. The folk beard is also firmly rooted in
tradition, passed on from folk artists of previous generations and
firmly rooted in the rich tradition of the American people, perhaps
explaining why those who sport the folk beard appear trustworthy
and wise. Examples: Sam Beam, Devendra Banhart, Andy Cabic.

The Metal Beard

This one allows the artist a lot of freedom. Those with metal
beards can grow them however they want: they can be absurdly long,
braided, separated into several different sections, or paired with
strange mustaches. It can even look totally awful, as long as you
wear it with confidence and it looks good when you’re
thrashing it around onstage. Examples: Shavo Odadjian, Chris Adler,
Kerry King.

The ZZ Top Beard

Having the ZZ Top beard is the closest you can come to godhood
via facial hair. There’s no denying that few musicians out
there have anything on Billy Gibbons and his pals. The ZZ Top beard
is epic, suitable only for those who will rock for their entire
lives, regardless of what public opinion and personal discretion
may suggest. This one takes guts; grow and sport at your own
risk.

Duhamel finds it ironic that ZZ Top drummer Frank Beard is
the only group member without a beard. E-mail him at
dduhamel@media.ucla.edu.

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