Sex is really, really bad.
It’s so awful that the government is going to spend
millions of dollars of your tax money attempting to convince you
not to have it.
Oh, unless you’re married. Then you can have a blast.
The Department of Health and Human Services is going to allow
states to use millions of dollars to target adults aged 20-29 with
abstinence-only messages about sex, according to a USA Today
article.
Why? Because government data shows that the largest numbers of
births to unmarried couples occurs within that age bracket.
“It’s better to wait until you’re married to
bear or father children,” said Wade Horn, assistant secretary
for children and families at the Department of Health and Human
Services.
Amen.
Although you could spend days debating the ideal environment for
a child to grow up in (with cohabiting parents, married parents,
homosexual parents), it is obviously the government’s job to
decide what’s best for us to do in our beds or with our
babies.
Yes, AIDS and Alzheimer’s be damned ““ if
there’s one thing the Department of Health has got to put a
stop to, it’s illegitimate children.
Abstinence education itself has an astounding track record.
It’s been found to be successful virtually nowhere.
In a report by MSNBC, researchers actually found that sexual
promiscuity actually increased among teens who underwent abstinence
education.
To top that off, The National Center for Health and Statistics
reported that a mere 90 percent of individuals between the ages of
20 and 29 have engaged in sexual intercourse.
That leaves a whole 10 percent who already believe in the
cause.
As for the remaining 90 percent, I’m sure it won’t
be difficult to change their ways. After all, when the government
demonizes certain things like, say, marijuana, almost everyone
stops doing it.
Put together numbers like that with a message that not even
teens will buy, and the battle is practically half won.
But there is one fault in Horn’s logic. He believes that
“the only 100 percent effective way” of preventing
people from bearing children out of wedlock “is
abstinence.”
Actually, there are tons of other ways, and I just cannot wait
to see them promoted in the public service announcements the
government will surely use its millions of dollars to create.
I can hear the slogans now …
“Oral Sex: way better than paying child
support.”
“Masturbation: Buy porn, not diapers.”
And let’s not forget dry humping, gay sex or even
bestiality.
None of these practices results in extra-marital
procreation.
Another great campaign strategy would be to promote
abortion.
Everyone makes mistakes, right? But now they’re
fixable.
Anything that prevents the sound of an illegitimate
child’s laughter from assaulting the ears of a good Christian
must be considered.
Because really, that’s what this is all about: pleasing
the Bush administration’s extreme Christian base.
If eliminating the number of illegitimate children were really
their goal, it would be far simpler ““ and far more beneficial
to public health ““ to make contraceptive information and
access more widely available.
But then someone (probably an avid Bush supporter), somewhere
(probably in Bible study class) would realize that the rest of the
public was having more fun ““ and that’s just not
fair.
The proposed program is a pathetic, shallow gesture of support
to the religious right, a faction that conservatives have recently
been desperate to reach out to.
Just this past week, Missouri lawmakers released a report
claiming that abortion, by eliminating potential workers, is to
blame for illegal immigration, according to the Kansas City Star.
Uh-huh.
Now was this before or after Jonah was swallowed by a whale?
I’m so tired of politicians underestimating my
intelligence.
We pay their salary with our taxes; they work for everyone, not
just the few people who allow their religion to trump science and
reason.
Wastefully using government funds to campaign for the
conservative party is sad and distasteful. Because if the
government absolutely must abuse its power and promote ideology,
they should at least do it effectively.
Otherwise, please stay out of our pants.
E-mail Strickland at kstrickland@media.ucla.edu. Send
general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.