You know what we need? More jackasses in politics.
Sure, the right has plenty of rude, obnoxious talking heads, but
what about the liberals? Our stock of crazy people is pathetic by
comparison.
During the 2004 Iowa caucus, Howard Dean, in a moment of pure
lunacy after a speech, shouted “Eeeeeaaahhh!” and was
committed to a psychiatric ward and forced to make all future
campaign appearances in a straitjacket.
Well, not really. But people did get pretty upset about it.
Yet conservative talk show host Bill O’Reilly regularly
shouts interruptions at the guests on his show.
Ann Coulter, a conservative columnist and author of books such
as “How To Talk To a Liberal (If You Must),” accused
Sept. 11 widows of “enjoying their husbands’
deaths.”
And Rush Limbaugh, a conservative radio show host, claimed this
week that Michael J. Fox “exaggerated” the symptoms of
his Parkinson’s disease in a political ad he made supporting
political candidates who favor stem-cell research.
Despite their extreme views and styles, all three of these
individuals continue to receive massive amounts of attention from
both conservatives and liberals to the point where they have become
icons in American politics.
Making it big in politics isn’t about intelligent ideas,
it’s about how much attention you can draw to yourself by
acting like a total doofus in public.
If the Democrats hope to regain control of Congress, they need
to get with the program.
So to set an example for every left-wing politician who is
slowly morphing into an Al Gore-esque robot, and for my own
shameless self-promotion, I will make the sacrifice.
I will transform myself into the ultimate obnoxious liberal
mouthpiece.
I must begin by altering my public persona. My first order of
business will be getting long, blond hair extensions (check my mug
for updates next week).
Perhaps if Republicans mistake me for Ann Coulter, they will
listen to my rhetoric long enough for me to sway them.
After carefully studying “The O’Reilly
Factor,” I have also learned that I must abolish words like
“excuse me” from my vocabulary and practice being more
aggressive.
From now on, when I need to ask a question in class, I will
forgo the politely raised hand and scream, “Shut up!”
at my professors before demanding that they answer my
questions.
I must then begin promoting extreme and outlandish ideas.
When someone asks me, for instance, how I feel about the massive
amounts of money being spent in Iraq, I will answer with something
like, “President Bush’s fiscal priorities clearly
indicate that he loves terrorists more than Americans “
““ without laughing.
The last step, of course, will be moving from this column to a
syndicated television or radio program, where I can unleash my
illogical rants on the nation.
Here’s my pitch: I’ll call the show
“Everything That I Say Is The Truth.” I’ll invite
guests to the show, but not for the purpose of hearing them speak.
Instead, I’ll broadcast their confused expressions as I shout
the most petty, wild accusations I can think of until the
commercial break.
Right before signing off, I’ll proudly promote my glossy
new book, “How to Talk to a Republican, Even Though
They’re Too Stupid To Understand Anyway.”
Eventually other liberals, who have the erroneous habit of
giving well-reasoned, complicated answers to complex questions,
will learn that they too can bypass all that nonsense and just act
stupid.
A reporter asks you a difficult question? Take a hint from the
White House. Stutter a little. String some words together
illogically. And then seem angry about un-Americanism. As a
homeless man once told me in a public library, the key is to work
smarter, not harder.
With the public distracted by the media circus we’ll
create, liberals will be free to underhandedly enact their
legislation.
We’ll save the environment and establish positive foreign
relations by night and make no sense whatsoever by day. The
Republicans will never know what hit them.
Fellow liberals, if we are to overthrow the Dastardly Republican
Regime (the name-calling needs to begin about now, since elections
are so close) we must be loud, we must be proud, and we must be
shameless.
Because if we aren’t, the Republicans will probably make
all porn illegal, cut down every tree in America, and force every
citizen to pay a tithe to Jerry Falwell.
Just follow my lead.
Send offers for book deals and tips on hair extensions to
Strickland at kstrickland@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.