She’s everywhere I look.
On buses. At the Century City mall. On the sides of buildings.
Everywhere she is, she’s doing the same thing ““
suggestively putting her index finger to her lips, shushing my
inner libido as if to say, “Wait ’til it’s not
primetime network-TV anymore, cowboy.”
Yeah, it’s puppy love alright. Too bad it’s not with
a real girl. Or my girlfriend, for that matter. Though, to tell the
truth, she’s doesn’t seem terribly jealous of this
apparent infidelity. She actually finds it pitifully funny.
That’s because I’m in love with Veronica Mars. And
yes, I’m aware that she’s a television character.
That’s where the inherent problem lies.
You might say this sort of thing happens all the time, that
people develop celebrity crushes on an hourly basis. Well, this
isn’t a mere celebrity crush
I’m in love with the character of Veronica Mars to the
point where I don’t really care much about Kristen Bell, the
actress who plays her.
I have a ridiculous habit of becoming attached to television
characters rather than the actors who portray them. I’m
actually able to think of the television characters as individuals
in their own right.
Veronica Mars isn’t the first time this has happened. The
only other time things have been this bad was when I developed a
borderline-homoerotic man-crush on Jack Bauer, star of
“24.” And in looking back at this one-sided
infatuation, I’m able to see that perhaps there’s hope
I’ll see the light in my hopeless devotion to Ms. Mars.
In my senior year of high school, my devotion to the
one-man-army that is Jack Bauer was unshakable. It still is, mind
you, but the events that occurred in April of 2003 were like Luther
nailing the 95 Theses on the door of the Wittenberg cathedral
““ my faith in Bauerism lived on, but it was transformed.
Anyway, that fateful April the cast of “24” came to
the Calabasas Tennis & Swim Center. I was informed of this
while heading to my high school to review a production of
“Grease.” Upon hearing the news, I promptly exercised
excellent judgment and ditched my journalistic responsibility in
favor of a chance to meet Jack Bauer (Television 1, Ethics 0).
Upon arriving, I saw numerous “24” characters
milling about: Tony, Michelle, even the gorgeous Kim Bauer. I
chatted with some of them and even watched a drunk Tony and
Michelle smoke cigarettes. But this was all a clever ruse to get to
the J-man.
Finally, I saw him. Practically floating as he walked, Bauer
majestically exited the event to go out to his car, probably to
grab a machine gun and a Kevlar vest. Now, I thought, was my
chance.
I took the opportunity to corner Jack Bauer as he came back
inside.
At this point, I uttered the only thing my trembling fanboy body
could muster.
“Um … sir … I just wanted to let you know that, um …
you’re really badass,” I said with every ounce of
sincerity.
And do you know what Jack Bauer said? He of the MacGyver-esque
solutions and endless torture methods?
“Oh, bless your heart.”
…
What?
Hold on. Jack Bauer, the epitome of all that is awesome, just
said, “Bless your heart?”
I was expecting him to throw me out of the way and yell,
“There’s no time!” or grab me by the collar and
scream, “Who are you working for?!” Even a trademark,
“Dammit!” would have sufficed.
And you know what? At that moment, he was just Kiefer
Sutherland, which I had never really realized before. And I mean,
he’s pretty cool, I guess.
But he’s no Jack Bauer.
Humphrey will stop loving Veronica Mars and realize she is
merely Kristen Bell if he takes her out and she expresses disgust
at his choice of Express Mart as a date. E-mail him at
mhumphrey@media.ucla.edu.