Since coming to terms with the that fact that I’m not a
“healthy” enough person to donate my eggs, I’ve
been on the hunt for other part-time jobs. At Take Back the Night,
I heard a very motivating speech by a sex worker, and for a minute
I considered prostitution.
It was a short minute. I have a great amount of respect for
prostitutes, but I’m just not in a place in my life right now
where I could handle selling my body.
However, I could handle selling my voice. I’ve always had
a strange fascination with the radio … and phone sex. It’s
anonymous. And I love telling lies. “Hi, my name is Bunny and
I’m 5 foot 9 with long brown hair down to my waist and
double-D cups. Think Lara Croft. Yeah, that’s right. Throw me
against a wall. Oof.”
The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea and the
possibilities. I started searching for places to apply to become a
phone sex worker. Unfortunately, all the Web sites with flashing
phone numbers and profiles of girls such as Britney, who’s
barely legal and wants to be stretched, and Kirsten, the lesbian
who will tell you all about her raunchy adventures in lesbian land,
didn’t have flashy “now-hiring” signs. I was
starting to get frustrated.
It was only after I discovered some other anecdote from a former
phone sex worker online that I learned “phone sex
operator” wasn’t the right phrase. I needed to search
for “phone sex actor.” It just goes to show what the
proper semantics can do for you.
The result was immediate ““ search result number one.
Search result number three had the flashing sign I was looking for,
but the corporate-looking woman with the low-cut white collared
shirt from search result number one convinced me that an everyday
smart woman such as myself could be a phone sex actor at night and
a corporate lawyer (or college student) by day. I called the
number.
“Hi. Thanks for calling phoneactress.com. … Please leave
your full name and contact number after the tone. Our staff of
recruiters do callbacks based on voice quality and personality. If
we love your voice you can expect a call back within 48
hours,” the cheery pre-recorded voice said.
That caught me off guard and I hung up. I had to sit back and
think about my response. And even then it took me a few more calls
before I had the nerve to reply. And even after I’d built up
the nerve, I left a concocted alias in order to 1) sound sexier,
and 2) so that they wouldn’t Google me in return. I figured
if they liked my voice and 10 seconds of personality enough I could
explain that small lie.
After I’d orally condensed my personality to the best of
my ability I sat back to fantasize about my future life. I would
fund my graduate or professional-school ambitions with my phone as
opposed to being a teaching assistant. I could pay for trips to the
Four Seasons Hotel in Hawaii every spring break. I could …
I wondered if I could or should masturbate while at work. I
enjoyed this possibility. I knew there was a reason why I bought a
very, very quiet vibrator the last time I was at Toys in Babeland.
That way, I wouldn’t have to sue my employer for developing
carpal tunnel syndrome like that phone sex actress in Florida who
just won her settlement.
There’s also the added bonus of being able to work
naked.
Of course I’m assuming I applied for a phone-sex job where
I work from home. I’d also heard of those where you sit in a
cubicle and flip through a magazine while making sounds implying
pleasure. That didn’t interest me, but phoneactress.com
wouldn’t let me access the applications or the manuals of the
two companies they recruited for, so I let my imagination run
wild.
I let my imagination run wild for two days. And I’m still
waiting for that return phone call. Realistically, phoneactress.com
hadn’t liked my voice; or my personality. I felt a little
deflated, but I’m getting over it. I hadn’t really
taken the possibility of the job seriously, and I’m not sure
I would have been any good at it ““ I probably would have had
a hard time not laughing. Maybe I should go back to considering
prostitution ““ or maybe I just need someone to practice
with.
Tell Loewenstein all about your phone-sex personality.
E-mail her at llowenstein@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.