Directed by Wolfgang Petersen Warner Bros.
True to its theme of water as a destructive force, Wolfgang
Petersen’s “Poseidon” exists in something of a
whirlpool of irony.
“Poseidon” is a fairly generic, paint-by-number
disaster movie, ironically based on 1972’s “The
Poseidon Adventure,” which is one of the first ““ and
considered one of the best ““ disaster movies ever made. This
is akin to “The Godfather” essentially reinvigorating
the film industry and being repaid 35 years later with a big-budget
remake by Michael Bay titled, “The Father.”
Petersen’s take on “Poseidon” involves a New
Year’s Eve celebration aboard a luxury liner named the
Poseidon, where passengers dance the night away in the ship’s
massive ballroom. The ship is unexpectedly rocked by a rogue wave
(probably the same one that owned Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney
at the end of Petersen’s “The Perfect Storm”),
and the surviving passengers have to find a way out of the now
upside-down ship. Among the passengers are Dylan Johns (Josh
Lucas), a “professional gambler” (when will this
obsession with gambling in pop culture end?), Robert Ramsey (Kurt
Russell), a former firefighter randomly revealed to be the former
mayor of New York, and Richard Dreyfuss as a suicidal man named
Nelson. Emmy Rossum also plays Ramsey’s daughter.
None of this really matters though, because these characters are
just cardboard archetypes. “Poseidon” basically goes
through every imaginable disaster-movie motion, short of having a
cute pet that miraculously survives a series of catastrophes (and
that the audience consequently cares more about than the human
cast). It has the requisite cute kid who gets into all manner of
trouble, the roguish, resourceful leader, the young couple with the
disapproving dad, and the creaky, wise, old guy. Throw them all
into an intense, danger-filled situation and watch character
development fill the screen like water filling a sinking luxury
liner!
Or not.
Yet somehow, as atrocious as the character development and the
dialogue are, “Poseidon” actually ends up being oddly
enjoyable, and at times fairly exciting. Of course, it isn’t
original or unique in any way at all, but it does have a couple
things going for it.
First, its situations are at times so knowingly unbelievable and
outrageous that they can’t help but be endearing.
Particularly, the end of the movie has just about the most
awesomely hokey “deus ex machina” situation ever put on
film (you’ll know exactly what it is when you see it). You
thought Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton hanging onto a pipe in the
middle of a mile-wide tornado at the end of “Twister”
was a stretch? Well, prepare to be punked by
“Poseidon.” Wolfgang Petersen: 1, Your Suspension of
Disbelief: 0.
Secondly, “Poseidon” is only around 90 minutes long,
which is just about the perfect running time. Petersen and company
chose to eschew the original film’s initial focus on
character development (in the original, it takes a while for the
actual disaster to occur), having the rogue wave hit the ship
within the first 10 minutes. If this movie were any longer than 90
minutes, it would probably be unwatchable. As it stands, however,
it is just long enough to turn one’s brain off without
suffering any permanent damage.
On a truly bizarre note, the band playing in the ballroom at the
start of the movie is fronted by Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas. She
actually ends up with a decent amount of screen time, and the whole
situation is reminiscent of the Macy Gray cameo in
“Spider-Man,” only far less scary because Fergie
doesn’t inspire nightmares like Macy Gray.
In all, “Poseidon” is one of those movies
that’s just sort of there. It’s neither particularly
terrible nor particularly great. However, if you’re down to
go sit in a dark room and look at cool pictures of stuff blowing up
for an hour and a half, then by all means, this is your movie.
Then again, you could get the same effect by spending the 10
dollars for a movie ticket on some Legos, building a boat and
sinking it in the bathtub with M-80s.
Actually, that sounds kind of awesome. More awesome than
“Poseidon,” anyway.
E-mail Humphrey at mhumphrey@media.ucla.edu.