It’s that time in the relationship ““ that time when
monogamy begins to require effort. The initial spark has left, and
sex, which you always thought of as a three-course meal, is
becoming more and more like a tuna fish sandwich, oftentimes on
soggy bread.
Your mind, formerly stuck on the thought of the next time
you’re going to be alone with that special someone, has
drifted to that cute girl at the next table in Northern Lights, or
to that hot guy sitting two rows behind you in your Tuesday
lecture.
It’s spring, and love is in the air ““ the raunchy
kind.
What’s a lustful youth supposed to do? Not cheating would
be the easy answer, but being in a long-term relationship can make
you realize that this is easier said than done.
A good portion of the people I talked to thought the answer was
simple ““ cheating is wrong. But that doesn’t stop
people from participating in it, trying to justify it, or even
trying to redefine it.
Some people consider certain flirtatious behavior as cheating;
others define cheating as any sexual interaction done behind
someone’s back, while others view it only as sleeping with
someone else.
However you define it, the general idea is that a monogamous
relationship is a compromise, and part of it is abstaining from
engaging in sexual behavior with other people.
I’m with those people that think cheating is wrong. I
believe cheating is one of the most hurtful and deceitful things
you can do to another person. And while the saying goes,
“It’s not cheating unless you get caught,” I
would hope that your conscience would dictate otherwise.
You’d still feel guilty even if you didn’t get caught
and it would therefore still be cheating.
Even though I have strong feelings against cheating, I
don’t have such feelings toward the people that cheat. As
much as I’d like to think the issue of cheating is black and
white ““ and maybe it is ““ I have no authority to judge
the reasons behind anyone’s actions.
My main issue with cheating is with the hypocrisy, and sometimes
cowardice, that goes along with it. The nature of cheating is the
idea of having your cake and eating it too ““ you want to be
able to screw around with other people while expecting the person
in the other half of your relationship to remain faithful.
So what is one to do?
It’s perfectly natural to be in a relationship and be
interested in other people ““ to want to explore, live and
experiment. Or maybe you simply want to screw around. But just
because a want is natural doesn’t make it OK, and knowing
that it’s not OK unfortunately doesn’t make those
lustful feelings disappear.
One solution to this problem, which is always received with
shaking heads, is asking your partner for permission to sleep with
someone else.
Maybe you think that they’ll definitely say no, but maybe,
just maybe, you can work something out. Some people are perfectly
happy to have their own partners sleep with someone else, or
“swing,” as long as they are also involved in the
action. Threesomes, anyone? Probably not for everyone.
Some people turn to the ideas of open relationships and swinging
to convince their own partners that having sex with other people
would strengthen their own relationships. It’s unfortunately
not so easy.
Swinging can and does strengthen many relationships. A study
conducted by two sociologists from Bellarmine University has shown
that swingers report being happier and more satisfied in their
relationships. But swinging isn’t for everyone. And it
certainly isn’t the solution to a desire to screw around. It
takes an already stable relationship to be able to swing, and
trying to solve relationship issues through swinging is only going
to lead to more problems.
The answer, while seemingly simple, is difficult. It lies in
communication. While wanting to sleep around doesn’t
necessarily mean you aren’t sexually satisfied in your
relationship, sexual dissatisfaction can be the extra push that
throws you over the edge.
People have often told me that relationships don’t have to
be about sex, that the emotional component is just as ““ if
not more ““ important. But sex is important for biological and
psychological reasons, and when you’re in a monogamous
relationship, the only place you are theoretically getting sex is
from that relationship.
While it’s important to remember that it’s no
one’s job to please the other person ““ women
aren’t there to make sure their men are sexually satisfied or
vice versa ““ usually both parties are interested in creating
a better sex life. To make this work, it’s going to take
communication, time, energy and compromise ““ it’s going
to take
effort.
Love is presented as this free entity, something easy and fun.
And sometimes it is, but there comes a time when we realize that
love is more than that ““ it’s a commitment. And while
love can be a gorgeous experience, it’s certainly not always
free.