The decision to have sex is one of the most important decisions
you’ll ever make. It’ll alter your life forever.
You’ll look, feel and act differently. You won’t be the
same person. It’s the ultimate loss of innocence and
you’ll never be able to take it back.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read something
similar to the above paragraph (although probably less dramatic)
and moaned (nonsexually) in annoyance.
Most important decision you’ll ever make? I mean, please.
The only reason anybody ever thinks losing their virginity is such
a big deal is because sex is taboo, so it’s elevated onto
this tall pedestal.
I don’t think anybody considers losing their virginity as
their crowning glory in life. It’s simply one more stepping
stone, one more experience, one more first time.
Every nonvirgin has his or her first-time story. Whether they
were drunk, desperate, with someone they loved, with someone random
““ whatever the case ““ I have yet to hear a first-time
experience that was a fantasy come true.
Usually for the girl it was painful, sometimes bloody. The
experience usually lacked rose petals and romantic music and simply
didn’t feel like it looked in the movies.
And for the guys ““ some simply weren’t that
impressed with the act itself or their own performance. And both
genders sometimes regretted their choice of partner.
So, unless you’re into blood, pain, quick quickies and
awkward moments, this isn’t going to be a multiple-orgasm
experience.
But nowhere is there a rule your first time can’t be a
blast, despite the lack of female ejaculate. After all, you
don’t have to have an orgasm or feel sexual pleasure to have
fun. It’s probably a good idea to play around beforehand, and
as long as you don’t expect it to be an amazing experience
sexually and just plan to have fun feeling awkward and
inexperienced, it can be tons of fun.
The situation should only be awkward in a negative way if
you’re with someone that you don’t feel comfortable
with. If that’s the situation you want to lose your virginity
in, awesome, but then again, you may want to reconsider.
Viewing losing your virginity as such a big deal not only makes
it stressful for those considering when to lose theirs, but it also
makes those that don’t want to lose their virginity yet, or
simply haven’t lost it, feel awkward.
There’s nothing wrong with waiting. There’s nothing
wrong with not having found the right person yet, or not having
been in a comfortable enough situation. There’s nothing wrong
with deciding not to have sex anymore after you’ve already
had it.
In fact, the decision not to have sex is really no different
from the decision to have sex, and neither is a life-changing
matter.
But eventually most of us will be faced with the situation that
has been so hyped up, and there are a few tips that can be
useful.
First, if you’re a girl, it will almost definitely hurt
(at least the heterosexual vaginal penetration). I know,
you’ve been told that before, but it still surprised me. I
had been warned of pain, I had been warned of blood. But I
expected, through all that, to enjoy it ““ to feel some sort
of pleasure that was different from anything I had ever felt
before.
Big negative: It took me a while to learn to enjoy sex. Mind
you, it was worth the wait and the bother, but it still shocked me
to have to work through that period of discomfort. The more relaxed
you are, the less it’s going to hurt.
Second, if you think your hymen (a thin piece of skin that
covers the vaginal orifice) is still in place, put down a towel.
Cleaning blood out of anything isn’t fun and I wouldn’t
risk it.
A recurring theme came up from guys’ stories about having
sex with people that were virgins. You can’t really be having
the time of your life when the other participant is obviously
not.
Ideally, the girl (or the penetratee) would be in control in
this sort of situation, like by being on top. That way this person
gets to control speed, depth of penetration, etc.
Unfortunately, most women are understandably uncomfortable with
this idea. So, try and make it obvious to the girl that she is in
charge even from her position below. Let her tell you when, what,
how fast, when to stop, etc; and this similarly applies if this is
your first time penetrating a guy.
And lastly, fantasize. If you’ve thought about having sex,
then you’ve probably fantasized about how you would like it
to happen. So why don’t you add in those quirky things that
seem to come up so often in fantasies, but not so much in real
life?
Push your partner onto the bed and jump on top, play that
ridiculous music and find the rose petals ““ anything. Those
little thoughts may not add anything now, but they’ll
certainly add to the fondness of the memory later.
According to the 2002 Ashe Center Student Survey, 45.3 percent
of the undergraduates at UCLA have never had sex. For many of us,
that sounds a lot higher than we think it is. But whether you
choose to have sex or choose to opt out, you’re not alone in
your decision.
And when that time does come ““ just remember the rose
petals.
Amuse Lara with your first-time anecdotes. E-mail her at
lloewenstein@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.