There’s a theory that we are always performing ““
while we’re strutting down Bruin Walk, while we’re in
class or at work, and while we’re in the shower. We are
always performing, either for ourselves or for others.
If this is the case, a sexual act is also a performance.
“A performance of what?” you may ask. Well, a
performance of skill, a performance of caring or love, a
performance of unbridled desire.
Maybe you’re performing for the other person, or maybe for
yourself. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that once
you’ve acknowledged that sex, in any shape or form, is a
performance, you can start thinking about it in that context.
For example, when I think performance, I think soundtrack. I
also think costumes ““ and maybe mirrors, so you can truly
perform for yourself ““ but we’ll leave that for another
day. Whether this is an inner monologue telling you how hot you
look as you traipse down Bruin Walk, or the pieces of conversation
you accidentally overhear before class begins, everything has a
soundtrack.
What surprises me is how few people seem to take control of this
aspect when it comes to sex.
Music, whether it’s there by accident or intentionally,
sets the mood for the moment. Choosing the wrong music can give
your potential love the wrong message. The right music might give
the wrong impression as well, but probably with more pleasurable
results.
This past week I’ve scoured my brain, online music lists
and friends for songs that are perfect for that special moment
““ and ones that serve to keep that moment from occurring. So
for your planning needs, here are the top five songs to include on
that special mix ““ and five to definitely leave out.
Without further ado, here are five songs to seduce that special
someone.
5. “Spread” by OutKast ““ simply provocative.
It gets your point across and gets things heated up all at once. I
would make sure you don’t have the album playing though
““ the next track, “Where are my Panties?” could
make things awkward if you don’t know your playmate well.
4. “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails ““ I suggest you
find some way to make sure the other person won’t be offended
by this. I could imagine someone packing their bags and leaving.
But if they’re into what the lyrics suggest ““ and many
people are ““ then let the fun begin.
3. Anything by Prince ““ anything.
2. “Fuck her Gently” by Tenacious D ““ This
wouldn’t be a list of sex songs without this song. If you
have any musical talent whatsoever, it’s also incredibly
simple. Whipping out a guitar and playing a seductive version would
make certain girls melt in your hands (it’s not derogatory if
you sing it right). In fact, playing anything slightly sappy would
probably give you the upper hand. So if you’re not
comfortable with the lyrics of this one, try something along the
lines of James Taylor’s “Fire and Rain.”
I’ve heard it does wonders for seducing women.
1. “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green ““
This song is a perfect complement to Marvin Gaye’s
“Let’s Get it On.” Personally, I think
“Let’s Stay Together” is slightly better, but
really ““ play anything by Barry White, Marvin Gaye or Isaac
Hayes, and you’re set to go.
And the five that will leave you lonely and cold for the
night:
5. Anything by John Mayer ““ Maybe “Your Body is a
Wonderland” was a good song the first time around. But
personally, I don’t want to feel like a theme park or
drug-induced state, so no.
4. Gustav Mahler’s “Symphony No. 9 in D
Major””“ Somebody who would put this symphony on to set
the mood for a sexual act must have a huge ego. I simply
don’t see how anyone could even start to think they could
compete. Sex is awesome, yes, but you’d have to be pretty
talented to keep someone’s attention on you while this is
playing. If you’re going to go for the classical (and
overdramatic), pop in Aaron Copeland’s “Fanfare for the
Common Man.” Now imagine, with that mournful horn, something
rising to attention over the rumpled comforter.
3. Jessica Vale’s “The Sex Album” ““ A
little more than a song, this entire album is created from audio of
live sex. According to her Web site, “some of the snares are
just distorted ass-smacks, while some of the bass lines are
pitch-shifted vibrators.” Sounds perfect, right? But creative
sound source aside, this album sucks musically. You’re better
off listening to your own live sex sounds.
2. “The Mighty Bruins” fight song ““ “We
are the mighty Bruins, triumphant evermore, you can hear, from far
and near, the mighty Bruins roar!” Yeah … no.
1. “Spongebob & Patrick Confront the Psychic Wall of
Energy” by The Flaming Lips ““ I would hope the track
name alone would be enough to deter people. But just in case you
happen to think Spongebob has a place in your sex life ““ save
it for those you pay or those who already unconditionally love
you.
Given that you’re victorious, there’s always the
possibility that the experience sucked so much you never want to
see this person again. An easy way to shoo them out the door would
be to strategically keep them from falling asleep by playing Limp
Bizkit’s “Nookie” at an alarming volume.
“I did it all for the nookie.”
How about that.
If you’ve confronted a psychic wall of energy, e-mail
Lara at lloewenstein@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to
viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.