I have few rules in life, but one is that any time the Oscars
feature a song with the word “pimp” in the title, I
have to write a running diary. I realize this is the third column
in a row in which I’ve written about the Oscars, but if Jess
Rodgers can write 627 columns straight about alcohol, I’m
sure you can indulge me. After all, now that we all know who won,
the real Oscar highlights slowly trickle back into memory.
4:56 p.m. ““ I turn on the preshow, only to hear about how
Sandra Bullock was the only female presenter to wear a dress with
pockets because she didn’t want her date, Keanu Reeves, to
have to carry anything. This is why I hate watching the
preshow.
5:05 p.m. ““ First-time host Jon Stewart walks onstage
after a decent opening montage that finally saw David
Letterman’s long-awaited return to academy hosting lore. I
wonder why he wasn’t available this year.
5:19 p.m. ““ As George Clooney walks onstage to claim the
night’s first Oscar, the music starts before his speech does.
We’re finally inching toward the first-ever no-speech Oscar
night, in which the awards are released all at once and on the
Internet for all to read. Just like the Golden Globes.
5:27 p.m. ““ Ben Stiller presents the award for visual
effects while wearing a green-screen suit.
5:35 p.m. ““ Dolly Parton sings her nominated song from
“Transamerica.” She’s the only person onstage,
but you can easily hear a whole back-up chorus hidden in the wings.
Or maybe it’s just Stiller standing behind her.
5:51 p.m. ““ When Colleen Atwood wins the award for Best
Costume Design, the camera pans over her seat to reveal her
daughter in a truly hideous red dress. Youth rebellion or supreme
irony? You tell me.
6:03 p.m. ““ Before announcing the award for Best
Supporting Actress, Morgan Freeman has some trouble pronouncing the
word “demonstrative.” As someone who immediately fell
in love with his narration in “The Shawshank
Redemption,” I’m utterly shocked by this development.
If I can’t count on Freeman to pronounce every word properly,
why watch his movies anymore?
I wonder how badly the slip will affect his career. Will he end
up repeating “demonstrative” over and over again before
he dies? Will directors and producers make him say
“demonstrative” at every future audition, just to make
sure …
6:12 p.m. ““ Lauren Bacall has trouble pronouncing
everything on the teleprompter, forcing me to take back my rant on
Freeman before I finish it.
6:27 p.m. ““ Is it just me, or do the interpretive dancers
slowly gyrating in the background while Kathleen York performs her
nominated song from “Crash” seem much more believable
as human beings than anyone in the movie itself?
6:28 p.m. ““ Before going to commercials, the announcer
promises that Salma Hayek will present the nominees for Best
Original Score with a “surprise guest,” creating more
suspense than there has been for any award thus far.
6:37 p.m. ““ In a montage about movies that make a
difference, the academy slips in a clip from “The Day After
Tomorrow.” Sometimes the punchlines write themselves.
6:45 p.m. ““ Hayek’s guest turns out to be
world-famous violinist Itzhak Perlman. I was hoping for Hilary
Hahn.
6:58 p.m. ““ In a montage on epics, the academy includes
clips from “Grease,” “Mary Poppins,”
“Moulin Rogue!” and “The Fifth Element.” As
Stewart jokes about running out of clips, I wonder whether
he’s really joking.
7:19 p.m. ““ To make the song “It’s Hard Out
Here For a Pimp” more appropriate for young viewers,
performers Three 6 Mafia change references from
“bitches” to “witches,” but have no
problems saying “shit.” Witches.
7:47 p.m. ““ After winning Best Actor, Philip Seymour
Hoffman kisses costar Catherine Keener and nearby audience member
Meryl Streep before heading up to the stage. You know, just in case
people thought he was gay.
8:01 p.m. ““ In her Best Actress acceptance speech, Reese
Witherspoon emphasizes that June Carter was a “real
woman.” As opposed to Felicity Huffman.
8:13 p.m. ““ “Crash” becomes the first movie in
academy history to win a screenplay Oscar despite having no
believable characters in said screenplay.
8:24 p.m. ““ Surprising even presenter Jack Nicholson,
“Crash” wins Best Picture, proving once again that
it’s better to seem intelligent than to actually be so. Maybe
George Costanza was on to something.
Tracer knows it’s early, but he’s predicting a
fierce three-way Best Picture race next year between
“Babel,” “The Children of Men” and
“World Trade Center.” E-mail him at
jtracer@media.ucla.edu.